


Drinking

by phoenixrebirth88



Series: When love hurts [1]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-07-10
Packaged: 2018-07-14 01:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 31,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7146314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixrebirth88/pseuds/phoenixrebirth88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another night, another bar, another drink.</p><p>ReaderXSurprise</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own Gundam Wing or its lovely characters.
> 
> Originally a one-shot, I made it into a twoo-shot because it turned out to be a bit on the long side. I should warn you that there's a major plot twist at the end of this chapter. 
> 
> This story will be part of the 'When love hurts'-series. Strangely enough I seem to end up writing them mostly about Duo ...

Another night, another bar, another drink. Take it a day at a time they said. So, that’s exactly what you did. You took it a day at a time. The alcohol was just an added bonus. You downed the drink in five seconds flat, quickly ordering another one. You could already feel the buzz inside of your head, warning you that you were getting tipsy. Another four drinks and you knew you would be. 

“Good,” you muttered, watching as the bartender placed another drink in front of you. If you were drunk, you wouldn’t be able to remember that one night, nor those words that were uttered. If you were drunk, you wouldn’t be hurting anymore. In one gulp, half your glass became empty. You sighed as you placed it back in front of you, mindlessly staring at the brownish colored liquid inside it. You used the small toothpick that functioned as an ornament to pick at the ice cubes. 

“You seem down,” the bartender questioned as he watched you from the corner of his eye. You hummed, not even bothering to explain why he was right. “I’m good at listening,” he suggested as he moved a bit closer. You snorted, finally looking up at the man. You narrowed your eyes until you were glaring at him. 

“I didn’t come here to sob or tell anyone my little, sad story,” you told him quite harshly. “I came here to get drunk and to forget,” you continued before you downed the last of your glass, feeling it go straight to your head. You pushed away from the bar, stumbling slightly as you did so. “I can see that’s not going to happen here. So, excuse me as I go and try to find another bar that’ll allow me to do so undisturbed,” you growled as you turned and walked towards the exit in a less than a straight line. You pushed at the door with an angry shove, forgetting that you needed to pull. The door didn’t budge and you growled again, hitting it harshly with one of your fist. 

“Hey,” the bartender called out as he quickly left his place behind the bar and approached you. “Look,” he began as he reached your side before you figured out how the door worked again. “I won’t ask again. Drink one on my expanse. Just … Stay?” he questioned, sounding strangely pleading. You gazed at him from the corner of your eyes, not quite sure if you should trust him not to have an alternative motion. Finally, as your mind was too caught up in the alcohol induced haze to think for longer than five seconds, you simply nodded your head and followed him back to the bar. After all, who in the right mind would decline a free drink? Especially if they wanted to be drunk before the clock struck midnight. 

As you sat down at the bar, the bartender quickly filled your glass again and placed it in front of you without another word. You grumbled something under your breath and took a two big gulps from it. But, even as the alcohol coursed through your veins, you could still remember it all. You could still see him standing there, that woman barely an inch away. You could still hear their whispered words. You hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. Really! You hadn’t! You had just been at the wrong place at the wrong time. And now, here you were, trying to drown your misery with alcohol and perhaps later a quick joint. Well, if you found one that was. 

You quickly let your eyes shift towards the door as the cold wind blew past you, alerting you to the fact that people were entering the bar. A group of four men entered the bar. They were laughing and joking, playfully punching each other’s arms as they moved towards a small table by one of the windows. You snarled slightly. Seeing the world moving on like this was painful to you. The world didn’t deserve to move on! Not after what happened! Not after your own world came to such a painful halt! 

“Another one!” you said after gulping the last of your drink down. You placed the glass harshly back on the bar, glaring at the bartender. You were almost daring him to say something about your drinking. His eyes shifted. You were still sober enough to understand he was considering cutting you off. You narrowed your eyes further, briefly letting your gaze move towards the door once again. Another drink was placed in front of you before he moved towards the new guests, once more leaving you to your dark thoughts. 

There was once a time you hated alcohol. You had hated the taste, the bitterness of it all. You had hated the way it could take your inhibitions away. You never liked feeling as if you weren’t in control anymore. Another reason why falling for someone had never been something you allowed to happen. But, he had managed. He had made you fall hard for him. The only sad thing was, he hadn’t been there to catch you as you did so. 

Your hand tightened around the glass. You could feel the coolness of it seeping into your skin, and not for the first time, you wondered what would become of you. Two weeks had already passed. Two weeks of hiding in this dump of a city. Two weeks of visiting bars every night. Two weeks of coming home to a rented room and drinking even more alcohol or smoking a joint. Two weeks of destroying your body and mind as much as your heart had been destroyed. Two weeks … And you still didn’t feel as if you were able to forget or move past it. 

Your jaw tightened as a small memory flashed before your eyes. His hands on her shoulders, his lips near her own. His words, lovingly whispered, clearly intended for her, the woman of his heart. And you, just another idiot that would’ve given up on everything for him, left broken and alone. You were left to pick up the pieces and try, though unsuccessfully, to piece your heart back together. 

You snorted. How fine that worked out for you. You quickly downed the rest of your drink, not even tasting the liquid anymore. You briefly wondered how much longer it would be until your body couldn’t take this abuse anymore. You barely ate, barely slept. All you did was drink, get high, and on the odd occasion, get into a street brawl. It always worked to take of that edge. Not for long though. No, before an hour had passed, you would be searching for another way to get this out of your system. How had one man done this to you? How had one man been able to destroy you so completely? Why had you given him everything he needed to accomplish this? 

“Another one!” you snarled as you hated your current thoughts. You usually were a happy drunk. You could still remember the times you had been out with friends. You had been laughing, making stupid jokes that got everyone to laugh, even him. Was it that wrong to believe you could’ve meant something to him? 

Another glass was placed in front of you. You raised your head to glare at the bartender, knowing he deliberately took his time before giving it to you. You decided then and there that this would be your last glass. You could move on. Maybe find another shop that was still open. Maybe even score some drugs from one of the local dealers. He knew you by now, so he wouldn’t run if you approached.

Another burst of wind passed you. This time, however, you didn’t bother looking at whoever entered the bar. It was past eleven already. Most people who entered now were looking for some fun. The loners, the ones that were looking to drown their sorrows like you did, they came in the afternoon. You smirked slightly. You now understood why they did so. What point was there in waiting until it got dark outside? The memories would come whether you waited or not. So, in your reasoning, it was better to drown them as soon as you could. Hence the reason why you’ve been sitting in this bar from four o’clock in the afternoon. The barstool beside you scraped against the floor as some idiot pulled it back slightly so he could sit on it. 

“That one’s taken,” you sharply told him, not even bothering to glare at him. Most people left the moment they heard the warning tone in your voice. 

“No one’s sitting on it.”

You stiffened, your breath leaving you in a disbelieving groan. You needed a few seconds before you could find it in you to turn your head and verify if your hazy mind was right about what it heard. There was a slight hope in you that you were experiencing a hallucination perhaps. When you did look at him, you cursed in a very unflattering way. He raised an eyebrow in question, his eyes staying focused on you. 

“What are you doing here?” you questioned as you quickly looked away from him. Too many bad memories were flashing before your eyes. Him with her. Him smiling at her. Him holding her. Him. Her. Never you! Your grip on the glass became so tight that your fingers were starting to hurt slightly. Although, the drunken haze you were in did a very good job on keeping the feeling subdued. If only it could subdue the now rising heartache. 

“What are you?” he shot back, a slight scolding edge to his tone. You briefly looked at him from the corner of your eyes. It seemed you couldn’t help but torment yourself. The slight downturn to his lips, the harsh lines at the corners of his eyes, the disappointment in his deep blue eyes. It was too much for you to take right now. Before you were aware of it, you moved your arm and spilled your still half full glass of scotch all over him. He quickly stood up, his eyes finally losing the disappointment. They were now looking at you with surprise. His slightly open mouth closed quickly, forming a thin line. You saw the anger brewing, recognized the danger for what it was. But, you didn’t care one bit. 

“Don’t,” you simply said as you turned and walked towards the door. You knew you swayed heavily, but your anger and your pain were stronger than any amount of alcohol you had consumed that day. That dangerous combination was slowly banishing the hold the alcohol had on you. And, unlike last time, you remembered to pull at the door in order to open it. 

The cold wrapped around you the moment you stood on the sidewalk. You harshly jammed your hands inside your pockets, trying to keep them warm. You never hesitated, already knowing perfectly where you wanted to go. Unfortunately, footsteps soon sounded behind you. You growled, once more cursing the day you met him. Though now, it was for an entirely different reason. 

“Leave me alone,” you bit out when he reached your side. Though he was clearly unhappy, he was too damn stubborn to do so. 

“And what then? You continue destroying yourself?” There was contempt in his voice. A lot of it even. You growled, fisting your hands inside of your pockets. Your heart was beating frantically, aching with each beat. You wanted to retorted. You wanted to tell him that he had done a fine job of that already. But, you couldn’t. You couldn’t let him know how much he had hurt you, how much control he still had over you. Though, judging by the way he kept glancing at you, you suspected he already knew that. Instead, you said something else. Anything was good enough to get him to leave you alone again. 

“What do you know of it?” you shot back, anger making it come out as a growl. 

“I know you’ve been drinking yourself into a coma these last two weeks.”

“Don’t act as if you care,” you told him, your voice lowering even more in your anger. He turned his head so fast that you almost believed he would suffer from a whiplash. 

“I care,” he simply stated. Your answer consisted of moving down the street at a faster pace. He, however, easily matched it. “[Name],” he pressed on, but this was the point where you had enough. 

“No!” you screamed as you turned towards him. The spin itself, combined with the amount of alcohol still in your blood, made you slightly dizzy for a few seconds. You swayed dangerously, and he reached out towards you. When the world finally stopped turning, and when you realized he was touching you, you harshly swatted his hands away. Your glare intensified when you managed to look at him. “I don’t want this!” 

“I won’t leave,” he merely said, his tone still completely calm. It angered you further. This was even more proof that you had been deluding yourself, that he hadn’t really cared for you. At least, not the way you had, almost desperately, wanted him to. 

“Damn you!” you cursed. You were coming dangerously close to giving in and simply hitting him. Right now, though, you were still aware of the dangers that held. It was one thing to get away with downing a glass of alcohol over him. It was an entirely different thing to attack him. Instead, you simply turned and once more started walking, ignoring his existence as you did so. 

He, clearly not getting the fact that you hated his guts now, once more matched your pace. You were aware of the effect the cold was having on you. The alcohol in your blood was causing you to lose a hell of a lot of warmth. Not having brought a jacket with you wasn’t smart either. In your defense, you were beyond caring about being smart. You knew some part of you had given up on that because it wanted something you weren’t ready to admit out loud. 

You reached a cross point, the red light forcing you to stop for a few minutes. Your eyes flickered in the direction you knew John would be. You also realized, however, that going to him now would be a mistake. He finally trusted you enough to sell you the drugs you wanted on regular basis. Showing up now with this idiot following you would be a direct violation of his trust. You growled when the light turned green again, finally deciding to head back to the room you rented.

You could feel his gaze on you. It caused another unwanted memory to flash before your eyes. It was one when you were at a local bar. You were out celebrating another successful deal. He was there as well. His eyes, those deep blue eyes you loved to look at, were staring at you. You could still remember feeling the warmth in your cheeks as you shyly smiled at him. You could still remember the quick beats of your heart as he smiled back. The pain that followed that memory was ruthless, tearing through your soul. You gasped slightly at the unwelcome feeling. He hesitated, probably wondering what he should do. 

“If you want to help me, you’ll leave,” you merely stated in a soft voice, though the anger was still clearly there. 

“I can’t,” he told you. You shot a brief, hateful glare his way. Your lips pulled upwards as you showed him a quick, condescending smirk. 

“Won’t or can’t?” you questioned darkly. He didn’t answer. Instead, he looked away from you, frowning at the ground. It was enough of an answer to you. Your heart squeezed painfully again. This time, though, you were ready for it. “What is it you need from me?” you questioned as you neared the place you were renting a room from. 

“Time and a clear mind.” He said it like it was that simple. You snorted, not believing what you heard. 

“And if I do that?” you growled out, realizing all too well that it was the only way to get rid of him. His eyes shifted slightly, becoming harder to read. You hated when that happened. There was once a time when you believed he was willing to share his feelings with you. It was also a time when you believed you meant more to him than just a tool he could toy with until he had something better. You growled when he refrained from answering you. “Will you leave then?” you pressed on, needing an answer from him. 

“We’ll see what happens when we cross that bridge.” You growled at his cocky answer, not at all pleased with it. Your now treacherous mind reminded you all too happily that he had always been like that. Another memory came forward. This one was about a discussion you once had with him a few days before you saw him with her. You were both watching a movie at his place. You had considered it a date. Looking back to it, it had obviously been a foolish thing to see it as such. He clearly hadn’t thought the same! 

You had been drinking and you were slightly tipsy. After a comment about the cop in the movie, he had started the discussion with you. It was about whether or not cops could really come out on top, even if the bad guy carried all the aces. He had merely ended the discussion by saying that if the cop was him, he would win. You had glared at him, calling him cocky. He had smiled at you, and for a brief moment, your heart had jumped inside your chest. Then, as he leaned slightly forward, almost teasing you with his nearness, he had whispered that he always got what he wanted. The intensity in his eyes had made you blush. Now, though, you realized he hadn’t meant it as you thought he had. He had always wanted her, and he had gotten her. 

You clenched your fist tighter, feeling your fingernails digging into your palm quite painfully. You, however, were beyond caring by now. The physical pain was ten times better than the emotional one. In a silence that betrayed the tenseness between you two, you walked towards your current room. You produced your key with minimal searching and opened the door in record time. You moved towards the small mini bar and opened it before he had closed the door behind him. The cool bottle of imported dark beer, however, was plucked from your hands before you could gulp it down. 

“A clear mind. Remember?” he growled, showing something other than calmness for the first time that night. You narrowed your eyes at him, but didn’t bother trying to steal the bottle back from him. You knew it would be futile. Out of the two of you, he was the stronger one. 

You walked towards the bed, flinging yourself backwards and gazing at the ceiling in contemplation. There was a time you loved that side of him. You loved the way he looked out for you, made you feel special. You almost didn’t feel the painful stab in your heart. You almost didn’t hear it as your thoughts pointed out how bloody special you truly were to him. If you had been, he wouldn’t have chosen her. But, the thing was, he had chosen her. The worst of it was that he had never, not even once, thought about you in that way. No. It was him holding her. Him whispering sweet nothings to her. Him kissing her! You had never been in the plan!

“My mind’s clear,” you began as you turned your head and glared at him. “So tell me what you want and then leave.” He watched you for a few long minutes, obviously silently pondering about something as he sat down in a nearby chair. 

“Is it really?” he questioned. You growled, pushing yourself upwards again. You grabbed your head as soon as you were up, groaning as the world started spinning. Your stomach lurched and your throat constricted. You quickly ran towards the adjoining bathroom and threw up. When your stomach was finally empty, you flushed the toilet and rinsed your mouth with a bit of water. You’d have done it with beer, but you weren’t sure if you could get away with it. You preferred not wasting alcohol and he had already stolen one of your beers. 

You shot him another dark glare as you came out of the bathroom and passed him. There was a glass of water on the table next to him and he presented it to you as soon as you sat down on the edge of the bed. You growled something, ready to push the vile substance away from you. It was not what you wanted, nor was it was you needed at a time like this. 

“Drink,” he merely ordered as he saw you lift your hand. You hesitated, hearing the authority in his tone. He was expecting to be heard. You cursed again, but you did accept the glass. You took a small sip of it. Your nose crunched up slightly, showing your obvious dislike of the chosen liquid. 

“I know better tasting things,” you said in a low, angry voice. 

“There was a time you hated alcohol,” he stated. There was a wistful tone in his voice. It was something you instantly hated hearing. You locked eyes with him again. His deep blue ones made you momentarily forget about seeing him with her. All you saw at that small moment in time was him, and how he had always made you feel safe and special. Off course, when you realized what you were allowing, the pain inside your heart was all the worse. You knew you would be screaming into your pillow tonight, tormented by nightmares that wouldn’t leave you alone. 

“Time changes people,” you spat at him. You quickly drank the rest of the water. It soothed your raw throat, but it did little to get rid of the pain. The alcohol was ten times better at that. Even the drugs was better at it. Curiosity flashed through his eyes and you ended up hating him all the more. If he didn’t know why you became so bitter and angry … Damn his hide if that was the case!

“What happened?” he finally questioned, his tone calm and soft. You growled. Your hands, itching to hit him, clenched the glass all the tighter. 

“What?” you growled out lowly, not wanting to believe he actually asked it. When he didn’t move or say anything else, red slowly slipped in your vision. Before you realized it, you had thrown the glass across the room. It shattered loudly against the door, falling to the floor in small pieces. You didn’t care about it. You cared about the pain in your heart. You cared about the anger you felt. 

When you had thrown the glass, he had jumped from his chair. He was watching you with a wary expression, his body tight strung and ready to move at any given moment. You barely managed to control yourself. Your jaw was clenched, your muscles tense, your hands fisted by your side. You took a step to the side, your body turning away from him. You did everything but attack him. It would do you no good. He would win, and you would lose. It had always been like that. You close your eyes. After two deep breaths, you only felt more inclined than ever for that joint. Although, a shot of something stronger would be equally appreciated. 

“[Name],” he tentatively began. Perhaps he finally understood how tight strung you were. After all, you barely slept in these last two weeks. How could you if your heart and soul ached as much as they did? How could you sleep when every time you closed your eyes, you saw his blue eyes? It was bad enough you weren’t the one he wanted, but did he have to keep on tormenting you so?! 

“I won’t say it again,” you began, barely able to form the words clearly. You just wanted to shout, scream, or even cry. Anything was better than talking to him as if he wasn’t the reason for your current state. “Leave. Me. Alone!” 

He was silent for so long that it surprised you. You had expected him to state something that would only further antagonize you. When he did speak, however, you weren’t sure if you wanted to hear it. It hurt so much. 

“Everyone’s worried.”

You dropped your head, resting your chin against your own chest. Your bangs shielded your eyes as you glared at the floor. How could he be so ignorant?! He, the one who always received praise that he was so observing! How could he refuse you so brutally?! 

“Leave,” you whispered. The voice that had been filled with so much anger before was now empty. “And tell them I’ll be fine,” you added in an afterthought. Yet, he still didn’t move. You took two steps forward, more than ready to run as far as you could from this place before he would bother with following you. He, however, clearly had other plans. His hand around your wrist stopped you from leaving. It also made you cringe. 

“[Name]?” Unlike before, his voice was now filled with concern. You were fed up with it. You didn’t want to keep fighting, to keep being angry at something that you couldn’t change. So, you were slowly giving up.

“Are you so eager to break me completely?” you questioned in a soft voice. You didn’t bother looking at him as you spoke. “So eager to destroy what I managed to hold together?” He grunted. You weren’t sure if he was surprised by your words or mortified by them. He tugged at your wrist, urging you to turn towards him. You didn’t. “Because if that’s how you want it, I suggest you just take a damned gun and shoot me. Or, if you really want to, I’m sure I can manage that on my own as well.”

If your earlier words didn’t have an impact on him, these ones certainly did. His grip around your wrist became painful. Instead of trying to coax you to turn around, he merely walked in front of you. You close your eyes, trying to stop the pain from rising as he wrapped his arms around you and held you close. You didn’t move. You merely waited until he did something else. 

“I need a drink,” you muttered when it became clear that it was a very long wait. That, somehow, forced a reaction out of him. 

“No!” Your body stiffened in his hold. You opened your eyes and glared at his chest. You hated being prohibited from having what brought you temporary forgetfulness. You growled lightly. Your eyes fell on the small jar next to the phone. It held the only two joints you had left. You were sure he was going to take those as well when he saw them, but … You desperately needed one. 

“What you need is a friend,” he said as if he believed he was helping you. “Someone who’ll listen.” He had no idea how much that hurt you. A pained whimper escaped your control before you could help it. His arms tightened around you in reaction. “Let me help you,” he pressed on. Your eyes became slightly dry and itchy, alerting you to the swiftly approaching tears. 

“Help me by leaving me alone,” you told him. Your were barely able to keep your voice from breaking. 

“I did that for two weeks,” he simply said. “You never came back.” Was it you or did he sound like he was trying to make you feel guilty about that? Was he trying to blame you for something? 

“I was otherwise engaged,” you snidely commented. 

“You were drinking yourself into a coma!” he shot back, his voice finally rising in anger. He gripped your shoulders and held you at arm’s length. Your narrowed eyes met his. Even now, as you stared into his eyes, you could still see that damned scene. He had done the same to her, held her at arm’s length. She had whispered something. He had responded by wrapping his arms around her, whispering his own words to her. Those whispered words, those small touches, it all hurt too much to remember. 

“I’m not in one now,” you pointed out. You, however, regretted that fact slightly. You had gotten used to the taste of alcohol after only two days of mindless drinking. You had gotten used to the effects alcohol had on your system after seven days. The only thing that hadn’t worked, was finding a solution to the burning pain inside of you. It never left! It never went away, no matter how much you drank! It only numbed, and until he showed up, that had been enough. 

“And how much longer do you think that will last? Especially if you keep going as you are?” 

“You saw me have one,” you pointed out, your mind finally getting past the last traces of alcohol. Your thoughts were becoming clearer with each passing minute. The pain, sadly, was returning as well. His eyes narrowed dangerously, his lips tilting downwards. 

“After being there since four, I doubt you had only one,” he shot back. You scowled, suddenly understanding why that bartender had been so eager to keep you in his bar. 

“The traitor,” you growled lowly. If he had not ratted you out, how long could you have kept going? 

“Do you have any idea what I had to pull to even get them to start distributing your picture? I was almost certain you were lying in some ditch,” he suddenly raged before trailing off. He took a few deep breaths before he raised tormented eyes towards you. “What was too painful for you that you couldn’t come to me?” he finally questioned. 

You licked your suddenly dry lips, swallowing down the emotions that rose within you. For the last two weeks you had believed the pain couldn’t get any worse. Today, you were proven wrong. His tormented tone, his concerned words, his lack of knowledge of how much he had pained you. It all hurt you much deeper than that scene had been able to do. It took a while before you were able to formulate an answer. 

“Y-you,” you whispered. You winced when your voice broke. You hated showing this much weakness, especially to him. He blinked, clearly not understand the implication of your revelation. You averted your gaze from his, once more looking at that jar that held your drugs. You just wanted to smoke one, to lose touch with this painful reality. 

No matter how much it had pained you to see him with her, you had always believed you could eventually move past the pain. You still saw a future where you would return to your job, your friends. Now, as you had told him your secret, that possibility was taken from you. 

“Me?” He sounded so confused, so honestly unsure of what you had told him. It made you regret saying even that much. You took advantage of his lapse in attention. You twisted your body to the side as you stepped backwards. You escaped his grip, and his hands uselessly fell to his side. 

You didn’t run. You knew it wouldn’t make a difference. He would catch you before you reached the streets. He was the one that always won. He was the one with the cocky attitude, and he had a right to be so. So, instead, you walked to that jar and grabbed a joint. You fished the lighter out of your pocket and lighted it. He was frowning when he saw that, probably thinking it to be a simple cigarette. It wasn’t until he smelled the air that he knew what you were doing. 

His eyes instantly widened, the anger in them rising. You were ready for it when he moved. You plucked the joint from your lips, holding it behind your back. “Don’t even dare,” you warned him. He didn’t listen. You dove over the bed to escape him, taking another drag as you landed. You could already feel the effects. You became looser, your muscles relaxed, your mind cleared. Yes. This was so much better!

Before you could take another deep drag, he plucked the joint from between your fingers and disappeared into the bathroom. You narrowed your eyes as you considered lighting your other one. You did it without sparing it too much thought. You knew he would take a look at that jar when he came out of the bathroom. So, as you heard the toilet flush, you were already in the process of lighting your second one. You moved towards the door as you took your first drag of the second joint. 

“[Name]!” he growled in disbelief. You smirked. You were out of the door before he could reach you. You jumped over the railing, not bothering with the stairs. Your room was on the first floor. Besides, you knew your car was parked there. As your feet collided with the metal of the car’s roof, he called your name once again. This time, you heard the warning in his voice. It was also the first time you ignored it. Maybe it was the drug’s fault that you did so. 

You merely walked at a calm pace as soon as you felt the asphalt beneath your shoes. Your joint was already halfway by now. You just needed to lengthen this a few more minutes and then you’d be relaxed enough to continue the conversation he was so dead set on having. By the time he grabbed your arm, you were down to your last few inches. His grip was near bruising. His growled words barely having an impact on your drugged mind. He dragged you back to the room, tossed you on the bed, and flushed what was left of your joint. All the while, you were goofily smiling at the ceiling. 

You watched him briefly as he searched every inch of your room. You raised an eyebrow when you saw him starting to dispose of the last four bottles of beer you had left. You knew you would’ve gotten angry at it, but the haze the drugs had brought you was too damn funny to bother with something like that. So, you let him ransack your room. You let him destroy everything that you held dear these last two weeks. You giggled when he found a joint you had completely forgotten about. You didn’t even remember putting one in the smoke detector. Why did you do that again? 

When he was done, he loomed over you with a threatening air around him. Your half open eyes watched him as a soft smile came to your lips. Such a handsome man he was. And smart too. Handsome, smart, loving, funny when he wanted to be. You sighed dreamily. If only it had been you … Oh? And there was the pain you momentarily forgot about. 

Your pained gasp didn’t escape his attention either. He sat down beside you, a concerned expression on his face. His touch was cool against your skin. Funny. You’d have thought it would’ve been warmer. Weren’t men supposed to be warm? Maybe he’d been searching through the mini bar for too long. You giggled at that thought. Why did they call it a mini bar anyway? There wasn’t a bartender present. Unless … You giggled again. The sight of a tiny bartender in the mini bar too hilarious for your pleasantly drugged brain. 

“Damn it, [Name],” he sighed out when you didn’t stop giggling. He sighed again before he began guiding you to crawl into a more comfortable position on the bed. You only let him because you were rapidly growing tired. Strange, because these drugs usually made you all the more energetic. Perhaps it was his presence that had such a tiring effect on you. A gentle hand began moving through your hair. His voice calmly telling you to sleep it off. You smirked at how stupid that sounded. You’d done this to achieve this giddy feeling. Why would you sleep it off? Where was the fun in that? 

“No!” you began, pouting slightly. “Don’t wanna sleep.” 

“Then what do you want?” he questioned. It sounded as if he was merely indulging you because he didn’t want to deal with your stubbornness right now. You didn’t really care about that. The question had been asked and it was being repeated inside your head. You hummed in thought. The answers to that question kept flickering through your brain. Chocolate, a beer, chips, a hamburger, another joint, him, … preferably naked. You giggled at that thought again. Maybe you’d like some whipped cream on his chest. You licked your lips in appreciation. Yeah. You might want that …

\-------- 

You groaned and buried your face deeper into the pillow. Why were mornings always so painful for your head? Why couldn’t those pleasant hazes linger longer? You moved your hand, wanting to grab your head and stop it from hurting so much. Or, maybe it was better to say that you tried to move your hand. Although the headache was bad, it didn’t stop you from shouting in disbelief when your eyes settled on the handcuffs that chained your left hand to the bed. 

You were wide awake in an instant. You moved into an upwards position. You tried desperately to pull at the handcuffs, trying to get them to let you go. Sadly, they didn’t budge. Your wrist was beginning to ache slightly, and yet, you still didn’t stop tugging at them. The only thing that stopped you from hurting yourself was the sound of the door opening. You instantly whipped your glare towards whoever was entering the room. Then, just for a moment, that angry glare was replaced by a pained and despairing one. You had forgotten about him. How could you have forgotten about him showing up?! How?! You moved slightly, the handcuffs making a small noise as they hit the frame of the bed. It was all you needed to find the anger inside of you again. 

“What the hell, Yuy!” you growled out. “Get them off!” 

In his defense, he did move. Though it was far from the direction you wanted him to move in. Instead of walking towards you, he walked towards the small table. You started to ignore him when you realized he wasn’t moving towards you. Instead, you focused on the handcuffs . There had to be a way to get them off! You jumped when his hand gently wrapped around your arm. Perhaps you had been ignoring him a little too well. 

”You’ll hurt yourself,” he gently chided. It earned him a growl. 

“That wouldn’t happen if you hadn’t cuffed me!” you shot back at him, briefly looking him in the eyes. He frowned, his eyes scolding you while his mouth had yet to do the same. 

“Then you shouldn’t have gotten into drugs.” And there they were. There were times he truly was predictable. Your head shot upwards, but you regretted the action instantly. You groaned and buried your head in the only free hand you had left. It seemed that was enough for him to take pity on you. He sighed and stood up. When he returned, he had brought you a painkiller and a glass of water. 

“Drink this.”

You wordlessly accepted the pill. Only after you had swallowed the damn thing, did you retort. “Careful,” you warned him viciously. “Don’t want me addicted to pills as well.” The glare he send your way was worth it. 

“Rest,” he ordered you. You growled at him. 

“I’m not a child you can order around.”

“Then I suggest you stop acting like one.”

“Why you,” you trailed off, swallowing the foul words you wanted to throw at him. Instead, you once more began tugging at the cuffs. “I hate you,” you growled out after a few seconds of fruitlessly trying to escape them. It took him a while to answer, but when he did, his words took you by surprise. 

“You hate me,” he repeated unaffected. “And yet, you want me naked with whipped cream on my chest?” You immediately stiffened, gasping in surprise. When had you said that? When had you been so out of it that you could’ve possibly said something as mortifying as that?! You chanced a look at him, but he didn’t give anything away about what he was thinking. You didn’t know how to proceed. So, by lack of knowing anything better to do, you simply lied down, your back facing him. You stared at the door as you tried to rest, tried to will your mind to calm down so you could think clearer. Foremost, you were waiting for your headache to disappear. If it did, you might be able to think a bit better. 

The minutes ticked by, and your headache slowly began to fade to the background. As it did so, your thoughts began to grow louder and louder. They always formed the same circle. First came the memories, the scene of him with her. Then came the nights you spend in bars. Then, he found you, challenged you to tell him your reasons. Him telling you that last mortifying thing was always quick to follow. After that, you went back to zero. Him holding her. The nights in the bar. Him finding you. Him telling you what you wanted … They weren’t leading you anywhere. 

Another glass of water was presented before you. You made no move to accept it. He sighed, placing it on the small table to your side. You shifted until you were lying on your back, staring at the ceiling. 

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he urged as he sat down on the bed. One of his hand moved towards you, gently brushing your bangs from your face. It was a motion he had done often enough. It was also a motion that brought the pain back. Instantly, you lifted your only free hand and slapped his away. 

“Don’t touch me,” you growled, trying to fight the pain. It was so much easier when it was dulled by the alcohol, or the drugs. Heero kept looking at you in contemplation. Then, he completely ignored your words and gently brushed his thumb against the corner of your eye. You narrowed your eyes at what he did. As you did so, however, a tear leaked from your second eye. 

“What happened?” he questioned, the concern once more in his voice. You close your eyes, violently shaking your head back and forth. 

“I told you to leave me alone!” you shouted as you yanked on the handcuffs. It hurt. Although, you still believed physical pain was better than the emotional torment you had been experiencing these last weeks. You heard him move, but you didn’t think much of it. He ended up grabbing your arms, carefully pressing them against the mattress on each side of your head. This time, the cuffs were complying enough for him to achieve that. You opened your eyes and glared at him. He, however, didn’t stop moving. He only stopped when he was looming over you, completely controlling your movements.

“Tell me what I did,” he tried again as you desperately tried to fight him off. You growled, once more seeing that scene. Him holding her. Him leaning towards her. His whispered words. For her. Not you! You stilled, knowing how futile it was to keep on fighting him for control. 

“You got what you wanted,” you finally whispered, averting your gaze. He wanted her. He got her. You? You got the pain in your heart. You got the need to drown your sorrows with alcohol. The drugs were just an added bonus. 

“If that were true,” he began, his voice an angry growl. He took a deep breath. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have disappeared for two weeks.” Just like that, his voice turned back to the calm one you remembered. 

“Then consider it one of my business trips,” you whispered at him snidely. You were getting fed up with this confrontation. You didn’t want to confront him. You didn’t want to hear him end up saying why he didn’t love you. 

“I did,” he confided in you. There was a deep pained feeling to his voice now. You didn’t like it. “It was the first time you didn’t tell me you were leaving.” You clenched your jaw to keep from answering the emotions in his voice. 

“Time changes things,” you growled in your defense. 

“And if I don’t want them to change?” he shot back. You didn’t have an answer for him. You could hardly tell him that his actions had changed things. That would be too revealing. Or at least, more revealing than what you said yesterday. So, by lack of anything better to do, you simply kept silent. He sighed again.

“Damn it, [Name]. Just tell me what I did to hurt you so,” he pleaded. “What did I do that was bad enough to get you to drown it with alcohol?” 

It became harder and harder to keep your secret. Every time he pleaded, a small part of your defenses broke down. After what seemed like hours, though were closer to a few minutes, you were left raw and aching. So, when he once more pleaded for an answer, you choked on a pained sob. His eyes widened when he heard it. His arms lifted you instantly, holding you close towards him. But, instead of it offering you the usual safety, you merely felt even more pain. 

“No!” you screamed, trying to push him away with the only hand you could use. You yanked at the cuffs one more time, yelping in pain as you did so. “Don’t do this to me!” you pleaded. Damn it! You were breaking down in the worst way ever! You were showing him your weakness! You were ready to tell him everything he wanted to know. And when he gained that knowledge, you knew he would leave without another word. And then what? Then you would be even deeper than before! No amount of alcohol could fix that! Even now, you weren’t sure if it could fix what was happening at that very instant. 

“Do what?” he continued, ignoring your pathetic attempts to push him away. Because, even while you were pushing him away, you couldn’t help but bury your head against his chest. Perhaps that gave him hope? 

“Don’t b-break me c-completely,” you whispered, finally giving into the sobs. He held you, whispering promises you knew he wouldn’t be able to keep. Eventually, you became fed up with the lies. 

“I’m here for you.”

“N-no.”

“As long as you need me,” he whispered. It became too much. 

“Thenwhydidyouwanther?!” you ended up shouting in misery. You froze as soon as those words had left your mouth. The only thing that might have kept him from understanding was that, in your current state, the words had been rushed and barely understandable. But, from the way he froze, you knew he had understood. Now there was nothing left for you to do, except to face the rejection. And you knew that abandonment would quickly follow. 

“Her?” he questioned, his tone still carrying a confused edge to it. You bit your lower lip. It was clear he was thinking about what you could’ve meant. It became even clearer when he finally realized exactly what you meant. There was a deep and fast intake of breath that alerted you to it. You stilled, realizing exactly what you had done. There was nothing else you could say now, nothing more you could do. There was only one need left. It was one that involved a lot of alcohol and the right choice in drugs. Though, if your cravings were any indication, those drugs would soon get a hell of a lot heavier than mere joints. 

“You tried to drink yourself into a coma because you thought I wanted her?!” He sounded strangely angry about that fact. Wasn’t it your job to be angry because of this? “What?” he growled, his anger becoming more and more noticeable in the tone he used. “Got nothing to say to that?”

“No,” you whispered. Maybe it was the answer you gave him. Though, it could’ve been the tone with which you spoke. Whatever it was, something changed. The air grew thicker, the awaited doom slowly edging closer. Your heart ached, your mind already forming plans of bars you could visit, people you could buy certain things from. 

“No man is worth that,” he slowly told you, appearing to have a better control over his sudden anger. “Not even me.” You bit your lip all the harder at his answer. Didn’t he know he was worth that and so much more?! He was worth the world to you! Hell, he was your world! “If I had known you saw that,” he whispered. You weren’t sure, but you thought you heard some self-directed anger now. 

“It wouldn’t have changed anything,” you ventured, your tone still soft and accepting. He lowered you again, his hand gently cupping your cheek. You were torn between slapping it away again, and simply getting this over with. The pain inside of you was becoming too much to bear. It tugged at your heart, made it difficult for you to breath, to think. You never wanted something as much as you wanted him by your side. Him to hold you like he did her. Him to whisper those words to you instead of to her. Him with you! Not her! Never her! You closed your eyes at the scenes those thoughts conjured. 

“Look at me,” he pleaded. It was hard not to listen to that. “Please.” Well, after that, it simply became impossible to ignore his words. Slowly, very slowly, you opened your eyes. Those deep blue eyes of his were staring at your own with a deep sense of pain. You felt your own emotions rising within you, ready to offer him an answer. You ruthlessly pushed it down. The pain was hard enough to deal with. You didn’t need compassion to cause even more havoc on your current mental state. It wouldn’t do you any good at all!

“It would’ve spared you these last two weeks,” he whispered. He shook his head in disbelief. “If I hadn’t been so arrogant, none of this would’ve happened.” You had no idea why he had to bring his supposed arrogance into the equation. The fact that he sounded so certain of himself was what made you doubt his anticipated rejection. Hell, there was even a small spark of hope trying to fight for survival. 

“Don’t,” you pleaded with him this time. Your voice, the one that had merely sounded angry or dead, was now close to carrying your fears. His eyes shifted. Even more pain and self-directed hatred appeared in them. “You’re not arrogant,” you whispered. You tugged at the cuffs one more time. Your body was begging you to drown these stress factors into oblivion. You needed something strong! You needed to feel muted inside. He chuckled slightly, though it didn’t sound as if he found something amusing. It was a weak comparison to his normal chuckles. 

“I was too sure of myself,” he began slowly, completely ignoring your earlier denial. “I thought you knew,” he continued. You heart squeezed again, painfully letting you know that your hopes were useless. It felt as if your heart acquired more and more cracks with each second that ticked by. You once more pulled at the cuffs, but they still didn’t budge. The pain, however, was all you needed to focus back on the reason that you thought he needed to leave. 

“Go home,” you told him, even though it pained you to say that. The way you saw it was that, if he left now, you could get to that alcohol all the faster. He growled, a definite warning for you to be careful. You ignored it completely. You needed something to drink, and water wasn’t going to cut it! You needed it, and you needed it NOW!

“You still don’t get it, do you?” he shot back, his voice a low timber. You shivered in response. Damn that voice of his. Damn him for not realizing what it did to you when he growled things in that low tone. Normally, you would’ve been able to ignore it. But, as it was, his body on top of yours was leaving very little to the imagination. It only added to your need for it to be real. Hell, it made you want so much more than just this mere contact he was unknowingly giving you. 

“Get what?” you shot back, desperately trying to keep focused on the reality of it. “That you threw perfectly decent imported dark beer into the sink? Or do you mean those expensive smokes you flushed down the toilet? Because if you mean that, then yes, I get it. I get that you’re a damned idiot for doing that!” you said in a rushed way. “Now let me go!” you ordered him with another sharp tug at the cuffs. You clenched your jaw against the pain. 

“Why?” he shot back, his hand already grabbing your arm and pressing it against the mattress. It was almost as if he wanted to ascertain himself that you wouldn’t keep on hurting yourself. You growled lowly. If he wanted that, he simply had to get these cuffs off! “So you can buy new ones? So you can drown yourself in alcohol and drugs again?” 

“Hell yeah!” you shouted back at him. You finally had enough of it, of getting nowhere with these discussions of his. You just wanted that haze back. You wanted that muted feeling that kept the pain at bay. You didn’t want to remember so vividly. You didn’t want to see him with her! Your vision became hazy and you knew you were going to cry very soon if things kept going like they were. 

“No!” 

It stumped you briefly that he was still so determined to keep you from going back to the way you lived these last two weeks. It stumped you that he tried so hard. It puzzled you, and it hurt you. 

“Why the hell not?!” you shot back immediately. Your desperation was growing along with your need for something bitter and strong. 

“I can’t see you like this!” he shot back, his voice rising with each answer he shot back at you. You, too, were beginning to shout at him in your anger. You were angry at him, angry at the situation, at the world in general! Hell, you were angry at yourself! 

“Then leave!”

“I won’t leave!” 

“Why not?!” There was a tinge of desperation in your voice. You would’ve hated yourself had you paid enough attention to it to hear it. 

“Because you’re wrong!” 

“It’s MY life!” You shouted back at him, the tears finally beginning to fall. You hated yourself for it, but you couldn’t erase the proof of your weakness. He was holding you down, keeping you from making any move. He was so close to you. It would be so easy to cross that small distance that was left. You wondered what it would be like to kiss him. 

For one brief moment, you forgot about all the pain and the bad memories. All you remembered were the good ones. Him smirking at you. Running into him at a local coffee shop and ending up with a lunch partner. Him looking at you with those deep blue eyes. Him making you blush by the mere intensity in those perfect eyes. Him leaning closer, smirking at his victory in a recent discussion. 

You could blame it on the last two weeks of solitude, of not having anyone there to talk to. You could blame it on the damage that was already done to your brain by the alcohol and the drugs. You could even blame it on the fact that he smelled too damn good, or that his angry gaze still held that same intensity that always drew you in. Afterwards, you could even plead temporary insanity. You could tell him, yet again, to leave once he knew everything you had still managed to hide from him. 

So, with that in mind, you lifted your head. The space between you and him disappeared completely. As your lips touched his, you knew that it was worth it. It was brief, too brief even, but you still had a memory worth keeping. His lips had been soft, but they hadn’t responded. In fact, if the surprised expression on his face was anything to go by, he hadn’t seen that one coming. 

You pulled back, your heart weeping as you did so. It was over now. Everything was done. There was nothing to keep holding on to, nothing to tell yourself. There would be no more drowning your sorrows, no more trying to dull the pain. You had known it would hurt to blow up this last bridge, but you hadn’t expected the pain to be this bad. It hurt even more than when you had seen him with her. It hurt more than when you heard his whispered words. It hurt, because now you knew; there truly was no you and him. 

“Leave,” you whispered the moment your lips left his. That seemed to get a reaction from him. He growled, the anger in his eyes once more coming forward. That much you had expected from him. What you hadn’t expected, however, was for him to lean down and kiss you with a fierceness that took your breath away. Your eyes widened when you felt his lips on yours again. Unlike when you had leaned upwards to lightly place your own against his, he pressed his lips tightly against yours, bruising yours even. Your muscles tensed. Your arms briefly fought against his hold. When the surprise slowly wore off, however, you relaxed again. 

Perhaps the temporary insanity hadn’t wore off yet, because you began to kiss him back. Your heart began to beat faster, your body slowly becoming more sensitive to him. You could feel how he softly brushed his thumb across your skin where he was holding your arm. You could smell which aftershave he had used, remembering telling him once how you loved the smell of that brand. You could feel the small stubbles on his chin pricking your skin. You could feel how his breath almost caressed your skin as he breathed through his nose. 

You gasped when his tongue brushed your lips, offering him what he seemed to be searching for. He didn’t hesitate. His tongue began its quest with a vigor you had never known in other men, exploring your entire mouth. You, however, had other ideas. You sought him out, fought him for control. Never, not even in your wildest dreams, had you thought him to be this talented in kissing. He made you groan when he gently stroked your tongue with his own. Your lungs were already aching because of the decrease in available oxygen, creating a strange drunken, but delicious feeling. It made you think that this drunken haze was ten times better than the one alcohol managed to induce. 

You groaned when he finally pulled back, his teeth gently snagging on your lower lip. There was only one thought running through your brain, and that was that this must’ve been what heaven felt like. You were left gasping for breath when he pulled back completely. Your chest was heaving, your lungs working double time to make up for the oxygen deprivation. But, if you could feel this good every time he kissed you, you couldn’t seem to mind it at all. 

“I won’t leave,” he told you softly, his breath brushing your bruised and slightly swollen lips. You gazed at him for a while, trying to organize your thoughts again. Why did you want him to leave again? You tried lifting your hand, wanting to touch him. But, as you did so, the cuffs once more cut into your flesh. It seemed that was enough to make you remember what his kiss had briefly made you forget.

“Yet you still haven’t given me a good enough reason to let you stay,” you merely told him. You were pleased with yourself. Even though you were still breathing harshly from the kiss, your tone held that touch of malice again. You smirked when his eyes darkened with irritation. 

“Because I still haven’t gotten what I want,” he merely told you. His hands gently slid down your arm, teasing your flesh with that soft caress. You groaned, quickly biting your lower lip to keep any other from slipping past. He leaned closer, his lips gently touching your ear. “And I want you alive and well.”

“I’m alive,” you growled out, trying very hard to resist his effect on you. But, how could you resist it if it was what you had wanted for so long? How could you resist him if he offered you this? 

“You’re destroying yourself with alcohol and drugs,” he whispered. You whimpered when he slightly bit down on your earlobe. It was a warning you understood. He was not pleased with those things. He was even less pleased that you kept pretending like it was nothing. 

“I needed them,” you whispered in explanation. “They dulled the memory of you with,” you began before quickly clenching your mouth closed. You hated to have said more. 

“It wasn’t like that,” he told you, his voice back to the softness he always spoke with whenever he was addressing you. You swallowed hard, fighting the memories again. Could you believe him? You wanted to. You wanted to believe it wasn’t true. At your continued silence, he pulled back enough so he could look you in the eyes again. His deep blue gaze was slowly analyzing what you were thinking. Then, as if he was truly happy by what he saw, he continued on. 

“I didn’t return her feelings, not the ones she harbored for me.” There was that hope again. It was fighting for survival. Your already broken heart began to beat faster. It was a miracle how it could feel this much, how it could still function after all you went through. “I told her as much.”

“You told her you l-loved her,” you whisper so soft that it was a wonder that he heard. Your voice breaking wasn’t even the worst at that moment. The worst was that you desperately wanted to believe him. And maybe, just maybe, some part of you already did. 

“As a sister,” he told you, his voice calm but hard. You looked into his eyes, seeing the truth in them. 

“So, you’re not,” you trailed off before you could finish that question. He shook his head. 

“She’s not who I want,” he merely said. 

“Then who?” You cursed yourself for asking. It, however, managed to bring a small smirk to his lips. It was a sight you always loved. Those teasing small quirks of his lips … You couldn’t count how many of your dreams they had visited already. 

“I don’t kiss just about anyone like that,” he spoke up, his tone slightly huskier. You let out a shaking breath, not sure how to proceed further. He, thankfully, did it for you. He leaned down again, gently brushing his lips against yours. “I want you,” he whispered, his lips brushing against your own with each word he spoke. You close your eyes, trying to keep him from seeing the rising emotions inside of them. His hand gently touched your cheek again, his lips leaving your own and placing a soft kiss at the edge of your eyes. 

You weren’t even aware of when you began to cry. Your arm was freed without you realizing it. What you did realize was when he wrapped his arms around you and simply held you against him. In response, though without being fully aware of it, you clenched his shirt in your hands. He rolled onto his back, holding all the tighter. It was the second time he had done so in a very short time. That alone was reason enough to be embarrassed when you finally calmed down enough. All the time, though, he kept holding you tightly against him. His whispered words never registering for what they were. But, when you finally calmed down enough to understand them, your heart ached just that tiny bit less. 

“I was worried when you disappeared. You didn’t come to the diner anymore,” he whispered, his mouth pressed against your forehead as he spoke. You smiled slightly as you remembered the diner. He would always run into you when you had a lunch break. He even managed to do so when you had a delayed lunch break. “I went by your apartment. Damn, [Name],” he swore, his arms slightly tightening around you. “When you’re neighbors told me they hadn’t seen you in three days.” He paused there, taking a deep breath. You could hear his heartbeat quickening slightly. 

“Even your colleagues told me they didn’t know where you were. I had to file a missing person’s report.” He took another deep breath. Before he continued, he placed a brief kiss against your forehead. “Two weeks before I could get you,” he whispered. “I should’ve gotten here sooner, fixed this sooner.” You wanted to ask him why he hadn’t, but you held your tongue. Perhaps it was time for him to let it all out. And maybe, for a small part, you were afraid that if you spoke, he wouldn’t continue. 

“I wanted to forget about that mission. Damn near screwed it up too,” he growled, though there was no real anger there. “The only good thing was that they had found you by the time I got back. But I never expected to see you so … Out of it.” You snuggled closer, clearly hearing the pain in his voice. He swallowed heavily when you placed a soft kiss on his throat. 

“I was worried when I saw how drunk you were. Even more so when you acted so angry. You always have control over your anger,” he kept on telling you. “And then you lit that joint,” he trailed off, his voice having gotten that angry edge to it again. You felt ashamed of yourself suddenly. More because of the worry you had caused him than by what you had done. Suddenly, he pushed you away from him. For a brief moment, panic seized control of you. But, when he never fully released you, you slowly calmed down again. 

“Promise me you won’t do that again.” His narrowed eyes were watching you carefully. You tried to look away, tried to hide your face, but it was useless. You were sure your eyes were red and puffy, your cheeks blotched, and your hair in disarray. He never allowed you to hide though. Before you could even blink, you were lying on your back again, him looming over you. He grabbed your chin and held it in place. He leaned close enough so you had no choice but to look him straight in the eyes. Eyes that, by now, looked ready to kill. 

“Promise me!” he repeated again, his tone growing harder. Your eyes widened slightly. Finally, after what seemed like mere seconds, your stammering voice answered him. 

“I-I promise.” 

The kiss you got in return for that promise made you feel glad to have made it. Unlike last time, you were more than free to participate in it. Therefore, you didn’t hesitate to wrap your arms around his shoulders, holding him as close to you as you could. His lips moved over yours with the same hunger as before. It made you realize he was genuine about what he had told you. Even if you weren’t sure about how he felt for you, you could always rely on his actions. He never lied in those. Though, just maybe, he wasn’t kissing you like this because he truly cared for you. Maybe it was just the fact that you had him so worried that drove these feelings inside of him. Even so, you didn’t mind it. 

His hands, which were quite busy as well, finally stopped with their teasing caresses when they reached your hips. The kiss lost the original fierceness and turned almost gentle. Even as you tried to keep the passion in it alive, he merely steered it towards gentle and loving. If you hadn’t been already breathless by that time, it would’ve been able to take your breath away. 

When he pulled away, he rolled onto his back again, pulling you on top of him. You hummed as you placed your head on top of his chest. You listened to his heartbeat as you tried to get your breath back. His own heart, always so strong and steady, was beating like a hammer jack inside of his chest. After a few seconds, he slowly allowed his hand to run over your back. You hummed again in appreciation. 

“I was so sure you knew,” he whispered after a long silence. His hand briefly stopped before it resumed the actions as if he hadn’t spoken. Your heart skipped a beat at his wistful tone. 

“I hoped,” you reluctantly offered. When he remained silent, you raised your head and leaned in to place a soft kiss on his jaw. He groaned softly, an almost disbelieving sound. 

“How could you doubt that?” he questioned softly, his eyes staring into your own with an intensity that made you shiver. His hand cupped your cheek, softly caressing your skin with his thumb. “You’re gorgeous, intelligent, brave, outgoing, confident, …”

When it didn’t look like he was going to stop complimenting you any time soon, you simply leaned down and kissed the living daylights out of him. It wasn’t that you didn’t like hearing him say those things. Far from it in fact. But, you were blushing so hard by now that you feared spontaneous combustion. When you pulled back, he merely opened his mouth again and continued where he left off. That, and the smirk on his lips as he did so, caused that damned blush to deepen even more. 

“Trustworthy, energetic, honest . All in all, [Name], you’re everything I could want in a woman.”

“God, Heero,” you whispered, burying your head into the pillow next to him. Your heart, the one that had still been shattered this morning, never felt so whole and alive as now. Had anyone told you this last night, you would’ve laughed in their face. Had anyone ever told you that Heero Yuy could tell such heartwarming things, you would’ve declared them insane. Now, though, you could tell them that they were completely right. And, maybe, you loved him all the more because of that. 

You would’ve told him about your feelings for sure had his phone not chosen that exact moment to start ringing. Heero swore, but he did get up to answer it. You lifted your head slightly, watching him as he answered with a curt hello. Then, as whoever had called him began speaking, he turned towards you. His eyes caught and held your own, and slowly but surely, the most perfect smile lifted his lips. 

“No. It’s fine,” he answered in a slightly distracted way. The caller kept speaking for a brief while before Heero sighed. He ended up growling something unintelligent. “Fine,” he agreed, moving towards the bed once more. He wordlessly presented you his phone, which you accepted with a confused expression on your face. 

“Hello?” you questioned softly. 

“[Name]!” Duo responded in an exited voice. “I hope you realize how worried you’ve made us!”

“I’ve got a pretty good idea,” you whispered, throwing a quick glance at Heero’s back. He disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. 

“Damn, girl! What were you thinking?”

“Actually,” you began with a wry smile. “I don’t believe I was thinking.”

“And now?”

“Heero gave me a good wake-up call,” you hesitantly told him. You weren’t too keen on giving him all the details. But, you understood that he deserved to know enough not to worry anymore. Your explanation earned you a laugh. 

“I can imagine. He was pretty damn worried about you when he left here.” You hummed, showing him you were listening. “When are you coming back?” That questioned caught you slightly off-guard. You hadn’t thought about that yet. In fact, your previous thoughts hadn’t been going any further then where you could find another cheap glass of alcohol. Now, however, …

You lifted a slightly shaking hand and moved it through your hair. You frowned slightly. You really needed a shower. You sighed as you thought about that. 

“[Name]?” he questioned again, alerting you to the fact that you still hadn’t answered him. 

“I don’t know yet, Duo,” you honestly told him. “I’m currently still too focused on what I need to do right now to even consider what I might need to do tomorrow.” You could clearly hear his disappointment when you told him that. He sighed deeply, suddenly making you aware of how much you must’ve worried him as well. 

“Then focus on now,” he gently said. “Take today to gather your wits again. Figure out what you want to do. Use tomorrow to come back. We can help you a lot more when you’re with us.” Your lips pulled upwards in a tired smile. 

“I know,” you whispered back. “Thanks,” you added in an even softer voice. You laid down again, your back on the mattress and your gaze focused on the ceiling. Not for the first time since you rented that room, your thoughts began to erupt in chaos. 

“Always,” Duo answered in a tone you knew well enough. “Just don’t disappear again ‘cause I don’t think he’ll be able to keep it together. ”

“What do you mean?” you questioned curiously. You had a distinct impression you already knew what Duo was talking about, but you needed to know for sure. Duo sighed deeply. 

“He nearly botched the mission,” he began softly. “You and I both know how much these missions mean to him.”

“They’re his life,” you answered in a flat voice. On in the inside, however, you were feeling very bitter about that fact. 

“I thought so too, until two weeks ago,” he quickly responded, his tone conveying his amusement. Your eyes briefly strayed to the closed door as Duo continued in a softer voice. “Damn, [Name]. You should’ve seen him. I used to think he was worried when our pink princess went missing. But, in reality, that was nothing compared to how he acted when you disappeared like that. I was so sure that, when they told him he had to leave on that mission, he would’ve resigned.”

“Why?” you whispered, a scowl growing on your face. You didn’t like the implication to that. Did you really have that much influence on him? 

“I think you know why,” he told you, his tone slightly scolding. You close your eyes and released a tired sigh. 

“Listen, Duo. I’ve got to go,” you whispered, your thoughts chaotically moving around in your head. You placed your hand on your forehead, tiredly rubbing circles on your temples. You were feeling tired, as if all your energy had suddenly been taken from you. You could feel your heartbeat slowing. You could even feel your breaths faltering slightly. You frowned, not completely sure what was going on. 

“Sure. Just promise me one thing.”

“What?” There wasn’t an immediate answer, and you wondered if he was still there. “Duo?” you questioned again, a strange kind of fear gripping your heart. When he finally spoke, his voice seemed distant and soft. It was almost as if he was shouting words at you from miles away, instead of speaking to you over a cell phone. 

“Promise me you’ll wake up.”

You frowned, your body freezing instantly at those words. Wake up? You were awake! Why would you need to wake up?! 

“Duo?” you began, but forming the rest of the words suddenly seemed so much harder. Your tongue felt numb and dry, your lips cracked and unresponsive. It was like you were paralyzed and couldn’t do anything. The phone dropped from your numb hands, clattering when it rolled off the bed and fell on the floor. But, even though the phone was now lying on the ground, you could still hear Duo’s distant voice. 

“You need to wake up, [Name].”

The room you were in began to slowly fade away, a pitch black darkness taking its place. You tried calling out to Heero for help, but your lips didn’t form any sound. Your heart skipped a few beats, almost as if it was shutting down. Far away, there was a panicked sound, a rush of something getting closer. Then, there was a sharp pain in your left arm. You tried to look, tried to see what it was, but you couldn’t lift your head. 

“He needs you.” It was another voice that had uttered those words, but it was a voice you knew. You frowned, thinking to whom that voice belonged to. Was it Quatre? It had the same tranquility to it in which he always spoke. 

Then, a sudden rush filled your body, your heart accelerating slightly. As if the previous restrictions hadn’t been overpowering, you could now move your body just a tiny bit. You knew you could, because you just moved your right hand a tiny fraction. It didn’t help though. The darkness was still around you, trying all the harder to enforce its grip on you. The fear was still gnawing at your mind. The pain was beginning to intensify again, spreading to your entire left side. Your head began to pound, forcing you to release a painful groan. 

“[Name]?!” That was Duo’s voice again. He sounded panicked, almost unsure of what he was expecting. You wanted to ask him what was wrong, but you still couldn’t form a sound. A hand gently lifted your right one, loosely holding it in the air. 

“Squeeze my hand if you can hear me, [Name].” 

That was a silly request. Instead of asking such stupid things for you to do, why couldn’t they explain to you why you couldn’t see? Why couldn’t someone offer you an explanation on why you felt this pain in your left side? Or why it was so hard for you to move? But, even as you thought that, you tried to comply. It was hard, ordering your muscles to do so. You even doubted you had accomplished anything, until you heard his tone change. 

“Thank God.” 

Then, there was so many different sounds bombarding you all at once. The sound of a door opening and closing met your ears, people speaking in excited tones, a soft beeping in the background. You could hear, which was great, but you still couldn’t see or move. Was there something holding you down? Then, there was a stranger who kept asking you things, but you couldn’t find the energy to respond. You ignored the stranger’s voice in favor of the one you already knew. 

“I know what I felt!” Duo harshly stated. “She’s awake!”

“Sir,” the voice, definitely female, gently told him. “I know it’s been a rough few days, but you have to calm down.”

The sound of a door opening and closing was once more heard, followed quickly by hastened footsteps coming closer. 

“What’s going on?” 

Heero. You knew it was him. Your heart ached painfully when you heard the worry, the guilt even, in his voice. Was it your fault he sounded like that? You never wanted that! You wanted him to be happy! Why did it hurt so much if you merely wanted him to be happy?! A constant beeping, one which you had barely acknowledged until now, suddenly began to beep out of rhythm. 

“[Name]?” 

You wanted to respond. Hell, you wanted to open your eyes and see what was going on, but it was so hard. Your mind felt so tired, your body completely drained. You fought it, but it was useless. Slowly, the sounds began to fade to the background. The darkness around you, which had lifted just that tiny bit, began to darken again. It claimed you once more. 

You weren’t sure how long you were simply floating in this pool of darkness, but you did became aware of when it slowly ebbed away, making place for something else. In its wake, you found a green door in the midst of the darkness. You were fearful to open it, unsure what was on the other side. Something else, though, was pressing you to overcome that fear. So, with a deep breath and a bout of courage you didn’t knew you possessed, you opened the door and stepped through ….

Then, there was nothing. 

~To be continued ~


	2. Chapter 2

The beeping was there again, once more in perfect rhythm. Your muscles felt heavy and your mind was hazy, but you knew you could move if you wanted to. Your left side ached badly, but it was slightly numbed. You blinked tired eyes open, trying to take in your blurry surroundings. It took a few tries to make something out of what you were seeing. 

The room was dark, the curtains closed and the lights turned off. The only light that filtered through the cracks was from the lights in the hallway. You recognized a television screen in the upper left corner, fixed tightly against the wall. There was a small table below it, two chairs neatly placed to its right. Then, there was a small couch to your right. You could see a dark blob seated in it. By the soft snores you heard, you understood that whoever was sitting there, had fallen asleep during their watch. You tried to turn your head to get a clearer look at the person, but it hurt to move. So, instead, you focused on the ceiling. You racked your brain for what had happened. You knew you were in the hospital. The sounds and smells alone hinted at that. What you didn’t know, however, was why you were there. What had happened to you? 

The door creaked slightly, and you focused tired eyes on the person that silently made its way inside. The nurse was obviously surprised to see you awake, but she didn’t hesitate long. She quickly shot you a soft smile. 

“I’m glad to see you awake,” she told you. You barely managed to shoot her a smile of your own. The nurse shot a fond look towards whomever was in the couch. “I really hate to wake people up, but I think he would appreciate the gesture.”

“N-no,” you croaked. You flinched when your dry throat refused to cooperate any more. The nurse took pity on you, kindly offering you some water to sip. The cool liquid relieved some of the painful feeling. “Let him sleep,” you whispered when she placed the cup back on the small table to your side.   
“They’ve been by your side ever since you were brought in here.”

“What happened?” you whispered, your eyes pleading with her to tell you. 

“You don’t remember?” Instead of answering her, you simply shook your head the tiniest bit. It hurt to do anything more. 

“You were in a car crash.”

“Car … crash?” you repeated softly. You felt like a parrot, not really knowing why you repeated her words, yet doing so anyway. 

“Yes. That was five days ago. You suffered a serious head trauma. The coma that followed such a trauma was expected.”

“Coma?” you repeated dumbly again. You blinked, realizing that it was harder to keep your eyes open. 

“I just came in here to give you your next shot of painkillers. They should help you sleep some more.”

“Coma,” you told her with a soft yawn. “Slept enough.”

“Not quite enough. You’re body needs to heel, miss [Last Name]. In order for it to be able to do that, you need to sleep.”

“I’ll wake up?” you whispered, though it was barely audible. 

“Yes. The doctors were quite surprised by your brief wakeful state yesterday. But now that you’ve woken once, there isn’t any more risk that you’ll fall back in one.”

“Good,” you managed to say before the darkness was once more pulling you under. Unlike last time, there was no vast darkness keeping you captive. There was no green door that appeared out of nowhere to offer you a way back to the living. All there was, was a blissful feeling and a sense of safety. You weren’t even sure you had been dreaming or not. 

When you felt yourself waking again, you realized two things. One, your right hand was tightly clasped in another one. And two, someone was talking to you. You didn’t even bother opening your eyes, knowing it would take too long before you would succeed. 

“They told us you woke tonight.” 

You recognized that voice. Damn, even if you hadn’t fully recognized it, your heart certainly had. It clenched painfully inside your chest, creating an almost throbbing feeling. 

“I know you’ll be okay. You’re a fighter.” He paused briefly, as if he was unsure about what he was saying. Then, he sighed. You could feel his thumb creating small circles on the back of your hand. His touch was warm, though maybe, your hand was just cold. You never quite knew which one it was when it came to him. 

“I want,” he trailed off, his voice soft and unsure at the end. Your heart bled for him. He was always so sure of everything that he did. So, why was he so uncertain now? “I want you to smile at me, and tell me you’ll be okay.” He said it so softly that you weren’t sure you had heard him right. 

You blearily blinked your eyes open, managing to open them mere inches. A smile was something you knew you couldn’t manage just yet, but that didn’t stop you from forming the words he wanted to hear. 

“’kay,” you softly whispered. He reacted immediately. His hand briefly tightened around yours in what you suspected was surprise. Then, he dropped your hand and leaned over you, his other hand gently cupping your cheek. You hummed, automatically turning your head towards it. You blinked your eyes, hoping to open them further. When you finally managed, it still took a few moments before the haziness passed. Then, you were left with an image you weren’t going to forget anytime soon. A very tired and rumpled looking Heero sat on your bed, looming over you with a look that was a mix of concern and relief. 

“[Name],” he began gently, almost as if he was unsure if he should believe his own eyes. You blinked your eyes when he began to shimmer. It was only when it happened a second time that you realized; people didn’t shimmer! 

“Wake up,” he whispered, though his lips hadn’t moved. You knew it because you had been staring at them. So, where did that sound come from then? Again, Heero shimmered, briefly disappearing. The place where his hand was touching your cheek was growing cold, even though his hand was still located there. 

“I’m dreaming again, aren’t I?” you questioned softy, fearfully even. Heero merely shot you a weak smile. Your eyes began to sting, a telltale sign that tears were going to fall. After two more times of blinking your eyes, the Heero you had seen was gone. Instead, you were left with an empty semi-dark room. 

The beeping began to change in rhythm, slowly beginning to increase. Your eyes were still dry and itchy, and your bottom lip began to quiver as you tried to suppress the feelings that were growing inside of you. That was two times that you had seen him as you had wanted. Two times where it had not been real. In your heart, you knew it would never be real. Because, as sure as you were about those dreams being just that, your memories of seeing him with her were true memories. And, it hurt like hell! 

A sob escaped your lips, echoing in the still room. Your chest began to rise and fall at an uneven pace, your lungs aching as you tried to keep your sobs inside by depriving yourself of any air. The machine that gave away your heart rate began to beep frantically. And yet, you still couldn’t help the pain from lessening, nor did it stop the tears from coming. 

A rushing pair of footsteps approached your room. You barely heard it over the sound of the machine and your sobs, but it was accompanied by an alarmed voice that called out your name. It was the only warning you got that someone was about to enter your room. The light that flooded the room soon after, momentarily blinded you. You didn’t know who it was that eventually reached your bedside and tightly grabbed your right hand. 

“[Name],” he finally spoke, alerting you to the fact that it was in fact Duo who had entered. You opened your eyes, but upon seeing his blurry form, you averted your head to the other side, trying to hide the proof of your misery. He, however, didn’t quite let you. In a matter of seconds, he had thrown his own arms around you. At least, for as much as he could with you still lying on the bed. He was careful in what he did, not putting too much pressure on any part of your body that ached, alerting you to the fact that he seemed to know quite well what your injuries were. With his lips close to your ear, he began whispering soothing words to you.

“Calm down, [Name]. It’s not good for you to be this worked-up about something. Whatever it is that’s hurting you, let it go. I’m here for you. Depend on me if you have to, but don’t let this drag you down. Please.”

It was the begging tone he used that got to you. You slowly lifted your right hand and gripped his shirt. Then, you turned your head again and buried it against his neck. You didn’t care anymore if he saw or felt the tears. You didn’t care if he realized you were being weak. Right now, all you cared about was the fact that he was there for you. He was trying to offer you the support you needed, and that soothed a part of your heart that had started aching ever since you saw Heero with Relena. It was still a far cry from healing, but for now, you were offered some means to a world without this pain. 

Only when you finally calmed down enough, did he pull back. He gazed at you with a pained expression of his own as he gently dried your tears. You couldn’t stop gazing at him as he did so. Never before had he seen you this open and vulnerable. And yet, unlike what you had feared, he was gentle, acting as close as someone could to tender. 

“Sorry,” you whispered when you finally managed to say something. Your lips titled slightly downwards, a sign of your apology for making him see you like this. “Had a bad dream,” you whispered, wanting to remove that haunting look from his eyes. You closed your own, still remembering your dreams as if they were nothing but memories instead of the delusions they were. 

“You don’t need to apologize,” he answered in a whisper, almost as if he was afraid that anything louder would spook you. You opened your eyes again, once more carefully looking at him. The first thing you noticed was that his eyes were bloodshot, bags already appearing under them. Then, there was the fact that his chin and jaw had prickled when your head had been pressed against his neck. As you carefully began to examine him further, you noticed the fact that his hair was slightly dishelmed, loose strands already coming free from the braid that was usually spotless. Add to that his rumpled looking clothes, and you knew for a fact that he hadn’t been sleeping well these last few days. If, in fact, he had been sleeping at all. 

“You should go home,” you began, but he was already shaking his head, a stubborn look in his eyes. 

“I’m your friend. You need someone to be here.”

“And you need sleep,” you told him pointedly looking at him from head to toe, or midsection in this case, since the rest of him was hidden by the bed you were lying on. “And maybe a shower,” you added as you let your eyes move towards his bread. 

“I’m fine.” You snorted. This man was very stubborn!

“Duo –”

“No!” he interrupted, his tone clear and hard. You immediately stopped talking, unsure what had brought about this sudden change in demeanor. He looked positively angry. You had not seen him like this in a very long time. In fact, you couldn’t recall when the last time was that he had acted angry with you. As if he himself finally became aware of his reaction, he quickly took a deep breath to calm himself. He stood up and began to pace in front of your bed, his hands rubbing at his face. 

“What’s wrong?” you couldn’t help but question. It didn’t seem to sit well with him. He immediately stopped pacing, his intense gaze coming to rest on you. You swallowed nervously, unaware of what had upset him so. 

“You’re in a hospital,” he grated out, his stiff body turned towards you, his jaw clenched, and his eyes narrowed dangerously so. 

“I’m aware of that,” you unsurely responded in a soft voice. You could feel more of your strength returning. “The nurse said I had been in a car crash, though I don’t remember that.”

“Do you remember the part where you got drunk of your ass?” he questioned snidely. You blinked shocked eyes at him, unaware that he had this side to him. “Not to mention the drugs they found in your system!” 

“I,” you began, but stopped. Hadn’t that been your dream? The getting drunk and stoned part that is. You hadn’t done that in real life! Right? 

“You should’ve called one of us! We would’ve picked you up! We would’ve been there for you if you had let us!” You gaped at him, uncomprehending what exactly it was that you had done that was so bad. You still didn’t remember what had happened. You still didn’t understand where your fault lied.

“I would’ve been there for you,” he added softly. He sighed deeply, sounding sad and weary at the same time. Using his right hand to move through his hair, he fruitlessly tried to tame the strands that had escaped his usually neat bread. All you could do was stare at him. 

“No one is worth that, [Name],” he began softly, finally gazing at you with another one of his haunted expressions. “Especially not him. Not if he couldn’t see what you were offering him.” You swallowed hard, trying with all your might to suppress the pain and sadness that began to rise inside of you again. 

“What do you know about it?!” you managed to throw at him, your voice achingly close to breaking. His gaze got even more troubled when those words had been uttered. 

“I know what it’s like to watch the one you love worship someone else,” he whispered, finally turning his head away from you. “I stood by because I thought he could make her happy. But he hasn’t,” he suddenly stated brusquely, his hands fisting by his side. “He hurt her,” he continued, his voice lowering to a growl. “Badly,” he added, once more looking at you. Your eyes were as wide as they could possibly get, an uncomprehending feeling rising inside of you, telling you that you had missed some vital part of information. 

“Duo,” you began, but he shook his head. 

“You don’t know. You still don’t know. I watched her fall for him more with each day that passed. Each day I tried to convince myself that I had no right to intervene. But I will watch no more!” he determinedly stated, his gaze a fiery storm now. “Not after this.” You were sure that, although the beeping hadn’t changed, your heart had skipped a beat as you finally understood. 

“You can’t,” you began, softly trailing off as he approached the bed again with strides that matched a man preparing himself for war. 

“My heart has been yours for the last two years. No one else came even close to what you mean for me. I’m not going to be dissuaded.”

“But,” you began, feeling almost frantic in a way. “I don’t love you,” you whispered, feeling even worse when you saw the flash of pain in his eyes. 

“I know,” he whispered dejectedly, slightly hunching over. You had never seen him like this, had never thought it possible. “But, isn’t there a small part of you that might come to love me?” he questioned. You opened your mouth to answer him, but he quickly placed his fingers across it, sealing your lips, keeping them from uttering their answer. “I need you to think about this very carefully, [Name]. The smallest chance that you can, and I will be happy to take it.”

You silently lay there, your eyes searching his in an anxious way. You wanted to say no, but maybe that was because of how raw your heart still was after Heero’s actions. But if you said yes, and things didn’t work out, you would be the one that had hurt someone as badly as Heero had hurt you. Could you really do that to him? Could you hurt your friend like that? 

“And if I end up being wrong?” you finally questioned him in a quiet voice. He shot you a hesitant smile, almost as if he was trying to keep himself from hoping too much too soon. 

“I couldn’t say we didn’t try.”

“But if I end up hurting you,” you began, but his weary chuckles stopped you. He shook his head.   
“If you worry about hurting me, it means that some part of you does care about me.”

“Of course I care! I’m your friend!” you growled. He flinched slightly, and you instantly began to apologize, knowing you had unconsciously hurt him by your choice of words. 

“No, it’s alright,” he said, his eyes showing you his forgiveness. An uncomfortable silence followed. You were frowning, trying to think of an answer that could put an end to this madness without hurting him too much. 

“All I ask for is a chance to show you what I can offer you,” he whispered, as if he knew you were close to rejecting him. You helplessly looked up at him. 

“I can’t,” you whispered softly. “Not yet,” you added when you saw the pain in his eyes grow in intensity. Those last words managed to make a brief flash of hope move over his face. It was something you found much better than the pain and sadness you had been seeing earlier. 

“I can give you time if that is what you need,” he whispered, his hand gently reaching out towards your cheek. You watched it unsurely, but you didn’t try to stop him. It earned you a small smile. He gently cupped your cheek, his thumb brushing away the mark of a tear you hadn’t felt falling. “But I won’t let you continue with what you were doing,” he whispered, his determination evident in his tone. 

As you stared at him, more and more memories slowly came to you. A part of your dream hadn’t been just a dream, it had been a memory. You had seen them together, and had chosen to run and hide. The alcohol had helped you forget, the drugs drowning out the pain that the alcohol couldn’t numb. Heero had come after you, finding you in that one bar. You had thrown your drink over him, angrily walking out of the bar. He hadn’t followed you, or at least, not fast enough. When he had appeared outside, you had already been in your car, driving to a destination you hadn’t yet known. It was during that drive, that someone’s car had slammed into you. You couldn’t remember, though, if it had been your mistake or not.

“I,” you began again, feeling the need to defend yourself. Then, you sighed, understanding that he was right. “I wanted to drown the pain,” you whispered finally, averting your gaze. You didn’t want to see disappointment in his eyes. 

“Nothing can drown that pain. It needs to heal on its own,” he whispered. 

“Then why did it work?” you questioned, thinking back to the hundreds of beers you had drunk during the week you had managed to escape to a place where no one knew you. “Why did the alcohol help drown the memory? Why did the drugs help me forget the pain?”

“Those things are temporarily, [Name],” he softly told you. “They wouldn’t last, and neither would you.” You understood what he meant with that. Hell, the car crash you had ended up in was proof enough of that. Nothing that reckless could ever be good for you. You were about to say something else, when you once more registered footsteps approaching. It signaled the end to this moment. Duo briefly looked towards the door before he sighed. 

“That’s probably Quatre coming to check up on us.”

“Quatre?” you whispered, your own gaze focused on the door. 

“The only reason he transferred you to this private clinic was because I was acting without a head. His words, not mine,” he quickly added. You blinked when he started to laugh. It wasn’t a healthy happy laugh you always heard coming from him. No, this one held a touch of desperation and embarrassment. You frowned, not happy seeing him like that. 

“Duo,” you began, but the door opened once more, and whoever appeared there, stopped you from saying more. 

“[Name].” 

Dear Lord, that was HIS voice! 

…

With wide eyes that were filled with apprehension and pain, you finally managed to look up at him. His own eyes, however, weren’t trained on you. Instead, they were focusing on Duo. Your heart squeezed painfully as you took him in. He looked just as you dreamed about, although his eyes still had that touch of ice they always harbored. In your dreams, they had lost that. In your dreams, he had reciprocated your feelings. But, this wasn’t one of your dreams. This was reality. And, in reality, he wasn’t in love with you. In reality, he loved someone else …

There was that painful feeling again. It was almost like someone had a tight grip on your heart and was squeezing it painfully so, making it hard for you to breath or even think. 

“What are you doing here?” You were shocked by the barely hidden anger in Duo’s voice. Without meaning to, your gaze shifted towards him. His eyes were narrowed, his lips forming a thin line, his jaw clenched. The anger was rolling off of him in waves, clearly palpable in the air around him. 

“Duo,” you managed to whisper, though your voice was too soft to reach either of them. 

“I have as much a right to be here as you,” Heero responded, never breaking the glaring contest that had started. 

“This is your fault!” Duo threw at him, standing and quickly approaching his friend-turned-enemy. 

“Duo!” you tried again, but even as you knew he had heard you, he clearly chose to ignore you. You watched with fearful eyes as Duo tightly gripped Heero’s shirt and used it to push him against the wall. Even though it was clear Heero wasn’t too pleased with it, he didn’t offer any resistance. 

As you watched the scene unfolding, you tried to sit up, you tried to get out of the bed, tried to reach them and put an end to this. You, however, didn’t get much farther than a mere few inches of lifting your body. The pain that shot through you was enough to ensure you that it was not a good idea to move! Thankfully, the painful gasp you released was enough to capture Duo’s attention. In an instant, he was by your side, making sure you were staying down this time. 

“You shouldn’t have moved,” he scolded you, his eyes worriedly searching your own.

“Don’t fight,” you managed to say in a soft, but gruff voice, your eyes pleading with him to listen to your order. He flinched slightly, instantly looking guilty. 

“He shouldn’t be here,” he whispered. You narrowed your eyes, a disappointed look flashing in your eyes. 

“He’s my friend,” you told him. “Just as he is yours.” You briefly looked towards Heero. “And I think I want a minute alone with him.” Your words weren’t even cold yet, or you saw the change in Duo’s eyes. The pain was first to flash through them, then there was anger, and last came the sadness. Just before he could turn and leave as you had requested, your good hand shot out towards his, grabbing his wrist and tightly holding on to it. 

“Promise me you’ll come back before noon,” you said after your eyes had glanced at the nearby clock. Surprise flickered over his face before it disappeared again. 

“I promise.” You smiled softly when he shot you a small smile of his own. Then, without another word spoken, he disappeared from the room. You waited a few minutes before you spoke up,   
wanting to be sure that Duo wasn’t overhearing any part of this conversation. Then again, the man could be lingering nearby and you wouldn’t be any the wiser. 

“I’m sorry,” you finally spoke up, deliberately not looking at Heero. 

“He was very upset.”

“Then he should be upset with me, not you.”

“We both know that he’s both,” he commented casually. You blinked, briefly locking gazes with him. Then, with a sad sigh, you looked away again. 

“I know.”

“[Name],” he began, but you interrupted him, knowing what he wanted to say. 

“I know.”

“Do you?”

“I do, but it will take time to move past that.”

“The heart is a fragile thing,” he said. You snorted, fully agreeing with him on that. “I always said one should follow their emotions.”

“Humans are complicated beings,” you whispered, feeling your eyes becoming dry and itchy again. Tears would soon be coming, and you weren’t sure if you wanted him to be around for that. 

“Nothing is complicated unless you make it so.” Then, he sighed. “I could stay away if you want me to.”

“No,” you whispered after a long, uncomfortable silence. You didn’t want that. “Even if you don’t feel that way about me, you’re still my friend. And I don’t want to lose a good friend,” you told him, finally raising your gaze once more. You shot him a weak smile. “Besides, the way I feel for you, is what he said he feels for me.”

“It is,” he agreed. “You didn’t see him when we were told the news.” You turned your head to the side again, not able to hold on much longer. 

“I’m tired,” you whispered, not really lying, yet not really telling the truth. It was a good enough excuse as any to be alone again. 

“Then I’ll leave.” You heard him approach the bed, and for a moment, your heart stopped beating with anticipation. You quickly squished the feeling. Heero placed his hand on your shoulder and briefly squeezed it. 

“Let him in, [Name]. He can be for you what I never can,” he stated softly before moving towards the door. 

You finally let the tears go when he closed the door behind him. It hurt to know you weren’t meant to be. It hurt to know he would never be your one and only. It hurt to know you weren’t good enough. The door creaked open again, and you were about to shout at whoever had entered to get the hell out, when Duo’s gentle voice reached your ears. 

“It’ll be alright, [Name],” he said, though you hardly believed him at this point. Just like before, his arms wrapped around you as best as they could without hurting you, your head hidden against his shirt, soaking it with your tears. “Let it all out.”

It was then that you realized it hurt less than earlier. Somehow, him being there for you, made the pain lessen. Your right hand gripped his shirt tightly, afraid that he would leave you now that you realized it. 

“Don’t leave,” you managed to whisper through your sobs. 

“Never,” he whispered, his tone giving it away as a promise he would keep to. “Not as long as you need me,” he added, placing a soft kiss on the top of your head. Eventually, though it took you a long time, you managed to calm down again. When that happened, your eyes refused to stay open any longer. Duo encouraged you to get some rest. So, without the energy needed to protest, you simply listened. 

\----

It took you a week before you were discharged from the private clinic. Quatre had made an appearance during that time, conveniently managing to get Duo to leave you both alone for a few minutes by convincing him to get a snack from a nearby vending machine. You knew he was going to give you a lecture of some kind the minute the door closed behind Duo. The narrowing of Quatre’s eyes and downwards movement of the corners of his lips were clues enough about that fact. And yet, you still hadn’t expected the words that finally came out of his mouth. Well, the first you might have expected. It was what followed that shocked you slightly. 

“Don’t ever scare us like that again!” Quatre stated in the best scolding voice you had ever heard. 

“Sorry,” you mumbled, shamefully ducking your head. Your left arm was in a cast, having been broken in two places. It rested comfortably on your lap. Your left ankle was bandaged because of a badly sprained ankle, your left temple bore the mark of two butterfly stitches, and you had suffered two bruised ribs. All in all, you had been pretty lucky. Not that the guys ever saw it like that. 

“Damn right you should be,” Quatre muttered, shocking you when he swore like that. You blinked surprised eyes up at him, almost believing that your ears had fooled you. “We we’re terribly worried when we got the news. Not to mention that Duo was freaking out.” It was not a combination of words you had ever heard when it came to Duo. He was usually pretty level-headed, despite of how he sometimes acted. 

“I don’t know what came over me.”

“Emotional pain is never easy to deal with, [Name], but you should’ve come to us instead of disappearing like you did.” Your shoulders drooped as even more guilt began to build inside of you. “Duo was beyond worried. He had almost convinced himself that you were lying in a ditch somewhere. When they finally located you, he had a fight with Heero about who had the right to approach you.” He snorted. “And then with the news that you had been in a car accident ... I don’t think I’ve ever seen him react like that.” You didn’t know what to say, so you just stayed silent. Quatre approached you, placing his hand on your own as he sat down on the side of the bed so that he was facing you. 

“When we found out you were drunk AND that the tox screen had come back positive on all kinds of drugs, he nearly … I’ve never seen him like that, [Name],” he just said softly after a moment of hesitation. If his goal had been to make you feel like the lowest of scum, he had succeeded. Quatre sighed sadly, softly shaking his head. 

“Don’t think you’re the only one to blame for this,” he finally said, his voice hard and even. “Duo’s just as much at fault for this as you or Heero are.”

“It’s not Heero’s fault,” you whispered, still feeling a need to defend the man you loved. 

“He could’ve said something sooner. Instead, something like this had to happen before things were set into motion.”

“Not his fault,” you muttered, avoiding his gaze as you did so. Whatever his response was to it, he was halted from saying it when Duo returned. Except a few pointed looks your way, there was not another word spoken about it. That had been four months ago ... 

Slowly but surely, your heart began to heal. Though you were still a far cry away from being completely over him, Duo was making sure you never thought too much about your old feelings. At least once a day, he made sure to visit. More than not, he could be found having dinner with you. You came to appreciate those moments, though at first, you hadn’t been all too thrilled about it. He had just showed up with either take-out or ingredients for a great meal. His company, too, was now greatly appreciated. 

More than once, you were laughing by one of his comments. Sometimes, you were even left blushing by what he had said or hinted at. He made you feel alive again. The pain began to fade, and something new began to grow. At first, you had tried to deny it. Then, you had been afraid of it, choosing to run from your emotions. During that time, it had happened more than once that you made sure you hadn’t been home for a dinner to take place. After three nights of running, Duo had decided to put a definite end to it. 

“Did I do something wrong?” he questioned, his eyes searching yours for answers. You guiltily looked away from him, not having any answer to give him. He moved past you, closing the front door as he did so. You followed him as he started pacing in your apartment. “If I did, I’m sorry,” he said after his fourth round, and you still hadn’t said anything. 

“You didn’t,” you whispered. It was still early, too early even. Though you had managed to avoid him for three days, he had, surprisingly enough, managed to catch you at an unguarded moment. You had never expected him to show up so early in the morning. The sun had only just risen a few minutes ago. 

“Why then?” he questioned, his confusion evident in his voice. You sighed sadly, barely managing to offer him a shrug. You yourself didn’t know why you were acting the way you were. Well, maybe a part of you did, but you weren’t going to voice that. 

“You’re here every night,” you whispered, not knowing how that actually sufficed as an answer, but offering it to him nonetheless. 

“If you needed more space, all you had to do was say so.” 

You bit your lower lip as you chanced a brief look at him. He crossed the distance that separated you from each other, his hands gently placed atop your shoulders, his eyes staring intensely into your own. 

“Tell me.”

“It’s not that,” you began before trailing off, unsure how to continue. He patiently waited, but that was all you offered. 

“I can’t solve it if you won’t tell me,” he coaxed softly, his eyes softening when they saw the struggle in your eyes. You nervously looked away from him, staring in the direction of the kitchen. Unknowingly to you, Duo’s gaze followed. A soft growl of disbelieve was your only warning before he pulled back and marched into the kitchen. You winced when he returned, holding an empty beer bottle in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. 

“Do explain,” he said, his tone far from calm. It was clear to you that he was trying to keep his anger in check, though he was failing at it. You nervously looked from one bottle to the other, before irritation slowly began to rise inside of you. 

“I went out with some friends from work last night. One of them came back here, and I offered him a drink. There’s nothing wrong with that!” you grumpily stated, crossing your arms over your chest and looking away from him. 

“A friend from work,” he softly repeated, disbelief coloring his voice. 

“What? Now I’m not allowed to enjoy the company of other friends?” He blinked at you, his own anger disappearing in an instant when he saw you glaring at him. He placed the bottles on a nearby table and started to approach you again, but you would have none of it. You turned and marched towards your bedroom, intend on catching that bit of sleep he had made you miss out on with his early appearance. He followed, though, something you had not expected of him. 

“[Name],” he began, barely managing to stop you from slamming the bedroom door into his face. 

“[Name]!” he repeated again, this time managing to sound stern. You threw a pillow at him instead. He caught it with a frustrated look send your way. “It’s not that you’re not allowed any of that. It’s just that I worry about you.”

“Don’t!” you growled, turning your back towards him as you stood near the edge of your bed. 

“I don’t like the thought of you getting drunk of your ass. At least not if you’re doing it to escape something you don’t want to deal with.”

“I did that once!” you growled. “A stupid mistake. And now you’re acting as if I’m a habitual drunk because of it!” you lifted your head to glare at him again, debating whether or not you should throw your second pillow at him. A tense silence followed. Then, he approached, seemingly ready to say one thing, yet deciding at the last minute to say another. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” he finally whispered, his shoulders dropping slightly. “Though I think I already have,” he added in an even softer voice. You almost didn’t catch it. He sat down on your bed, his head dropping into his hands, elbows resting on his knees. He looked like he had lost the only thing that meant anything to him. You suppressed the emotions that were rising inside of you, though it was futile to even try. Unsurprisingly, you failed at it miserably. 

“Duo,” you whispered as you turned towards him, moving so that you were standing in front of him. You slowly lifted your hand until it was resting on his head. “You didn’t lose me,” you whispered after a great internal debate on whether or not you should say it. Not having expected it, you were shocked when he suddenly threw his arms around your waist and pulled you closer, resting his forehead against your stomach. At first, you weren’t sure what to do, but when he showed no signs of letting go, you slowly let your hand move over his hair. 

“Then tell me why you’ve been avoiding me,” he pleaded. Your heart squeezed painfully when you heard that tone. 

“I was afraid,” you finally confessed in a soft voice. His arms tightened around you. 

“Of what?”

“You,” you whispered, dropping your hands so they rested on the top of his shoulders. “And what you make me feel.” He pulled back slightly, hopeful eyes looking up at you. It took a while to get the next words passed your lips, doubt making you want to swallow them down again.

“You know that chance you were talking about,” you continued in a brief moment of courage. The hope in his eyes grew, and you knew in your heart that you were doing the right thing. “I think … I mean,” you trailed off. Then, you took a deep breath, and tried again. “There’s a chance I might be inclined to feeling more than just friendship towards you,” you rushed out in one breath.

“You could just say you’re falling for me,” he teased, a hopeful smile on his lips, though his tone betrayed the smallest hint of doubt. You blushed slightly, the intense look in his eyes becoming too much. 

“I … could,” you whispered as you looked away from him. You took an automatic step backwards when he suddenly stood up. In a matter of seconds, he had you pulled into a hug that was so tight it made it hard for you to breath. When he pulled back slightly, he analyzed you with a sharp look. “What?” you questioned, feeling like he was looking straight through you. 

“Am I messing this up if I kiss you?” You blinked, another blush coloring your cheeks. Though your mind was shocked and unsure about it, your heart supplied you the answer you voiced. 

“Try and find out.”

If the smile you earned was anything to go by, you’d say he was more than happy. When he began to lean closer, you could feel your heart accelerating, your lungs stopping in their quest for air by sheer nerves. The first touch brought forth an electric feeling traveling up your spine. His second made you feel giddy. At first, it was nothing more than a gentle pressure of warm lips against yours. A simple touch. Then, he moved, brushing his mouth against your own. The friction made your heart skip a beat, and you felt your mouth open either in a helpless reaction, or a protestation; you weren’t sure which. Then, it changed yet again. He nibbled insistently at your lips, but it wasn’t until he drew your lower lip into his mouth that your knees seemed to give out under you. You gasped, your eyes flying open at the feel of soft suction, and then, he leaned back. 

There was only one thing going through your mind for a very long time to come. Dear lord was he one hell of a kisser! You were lucky his arms were still wrapped around your waist, or you might have fallen to the ground halfway through that kiss. There was a smug smile on his lips, but his eyes betrayed him. There, clear for you to read, was hope and fear battling for first place. You offered him a shaken smile, not quite sure if you could manage anything else. It didn’t seem to offer him the assurance you thought it would. You groaned, letting your forehead rest against his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” you whispered suddenly. He stiffened, making you realize he had taken it differently. “I don’t mean the kiss,” you quickly told him, your hands tightly gripping his shirt. He relaxed again, though some of the tension remained. You frowned, somehow not liking that. “I mean that I keep screwing things up.” 

“You don’t screw things up,” he said, trying to appease you. 

“But I do,” you whispered, taking a deep breath. You smiled as you smelled his aftershave. It’s spicy fragrance mixed with a more muskier undertone was something you truly liked. “I fucked up badly,” you continued, your voice growing even softer than before. “With the alcohol and the drugs,” you elaborated before you trailed off. There were some things he just didn’t need to know off. So, you kept it with what he did know. He lowered his head, burying his face against your neck. You shivered slightly when you felt his breath wash against the skin of your neck. “I should’ve done it differently.”

“If you had, things might not have changed, or they may have ended worse.”

“Duo.”

“No,” he said sternly, his bangs brushing against your shoulder as he softly shook his head. “I kept myself awake too many times by going over the ‘what if’s’. I prefer to stop doing that.” You swallowed hard, the rising sadness inside of you becoming almost too much to bear. 

“I don’t deserve you.” Though you clearly hadn’t thought further about the words, his reaction, however, proved that he had. He pulled back, holding you at arm’s length, forcing you to look him in the eyes. They projected a storm you weren’t sure how to handle. 

“Don’t you say that,” he began, his tone stern and unyielding. “Don’t you dare say that!” You winced, not having expected his voice to be quite so loud. 

“Duo,” you began. You quickly lifted your hand and placed it over his mouth, stopping him from saying any other scolding words. “After all I did to you, it just amazes me that you can still want this, want me.”

He lifted his hand, tightly gripping your hand as he pulled it away from his mouth. His eyes locked with yours, a hard look in them. 

“What did you do to me that makes you think that?” he questioned, surprisingly managing to sound calm. You sighed, shaking your head slightly. 

“I did to you what Heero did to me. I know how painful that is.”

“I never told you.”

“And I never told him, yet the pain was still there. My ignorance doesn’t excuse me, Duo. I should’ve seen it. Hell, everyone else saw it!”

“[Name],” he began softly. “The past is the past. Don’t focus on it too much.”

“But,” you began stubbornly. 

“No. I’m not in pain now,” he reminded you with a blinding smile. You blinked, silently wondering about the speed of his changing emotions. “In fact,” he continued, crossing that small step that still separated you. His hand slowly moved over your arm, your shoulder, towards your neck, only stopping when it reached your cheek. “I’m as happy as I can be. And that’s all because of you,” he whispered, slowly leaning closer for a brief kiss. You were left blinking as he pulled back, that stunning smile still on his lips. 

“Do me a favor,” you began as you narrowed your eyes in thought. 

“What?” 

“Next time I do something stupid, think of what you said just now.” He laughed at that. It was a sound that lightened your heart. A small smile of your own pulled at your lips, begging to be shown. 

“I will,” he promised, his tone soft and affectionate. 

Though the reminder was still needed every once in a while, you usually could end any argument or fight with a simple reference to that moment. Sometimes, you even used it when you wanted to get something done. And though the pain Heero had caused within you still remained for a while to come, it was growing weaker and weaker with each day that passed. In its wake, a new, hopeful feeling grew. 

Many times when you were lying on your couch, Duo’s arm wrapped around your waist, your head resting on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, a soft but contented smile would lift your lips upwards. In the end, everything worked out, and you started to believe that you had gotten the best thing this world could ever offer you. You had gotten a man that adored you, and he never wasted any chance to show it to you. 

Yes, you realized, this was all you would ever need. He had been there for you when you didn’t want anyone there. He had been the one to pull you away from the dark, back into the light. He had saved you, and in return, you could only hope you had saved him as well. 

“What are you thinking about?” his soft voice questioned, a slightly amused edge to it. You hummed in thought, not bothering to lift your head. 

“Things,” you whispered eventually, realizing he was still waiting for his answer.

“Things?” he repeated, urging you to explain further. Your own hand, which was lying next to your head, slowly began to trace patterns on his shirt. You felt his muscles shift under your touch, the shirt barely able to hide it. It made the earlier soft smile bloom into a fuller one. 

“About you,” you said, absentmindedly still drawing patterns. He shifted slightly, pulling a soft whimper of complaint from your limps. He chuckled, the sound revering inside his chest, briefly hiding the sound of his beating heart. His free hand gently grabbed yours, stopping it in its actions. 

“I hope they’re only good things then,” he said, bringing your hand towards his lips, placing a soft kiss on your knuckles. You snorted, suddenly feeling in the mood to tease him. 

“Depends,” you whispered, snuggling even closer, though there was little room left for you to do so. The arm around your waist briefly tightened, telling you that he was happy with it. 

“On who?” he questioned, letting you know that his interest was piqued. You laughed softly, knowing that it was one thing you enjoyed about him. He lowered your hand again, pressing it against his chest instead of letting it resume its earlier movements. 

“You,” you answered him, a teasing edge showing through in your smile, though Duo couldn’t see that in the way you were lying. 

“Me?” he questioned, obviously humoring you. You hummed in agreement. “How so?” he inquired, urging you to explain further. 

You finally moved, though it only consisted of lifting your head enough so you could look up at him, your chin still resting on his chest. You smiled at him, the affection in it was not lost on him. His own eyes softened in response, the hand that was holding yours let go of it in favor of wrapping around you, forming a full embrace. 

“You going to give me any reason to think badly of you?” It earned you an amused snort. Then, his eyes turned serious, his arms pulling you higher, more fully against him. 

“Never,” he whispered in a promising voice. The silly thing was, you believed him. 

“Then you have nothing to worry about,” you told him, your voice changing slightly. The change wasn’t lost on him either. His eyes darkened, his smile growing almost predatory. 

“When it comes to you,” he whispered, his voice deep and husky. You shivered in response, your eyes growing slightly wider with anticipation. “I’ll always worry,” he continued, before finally pulling you in for a kiss. You hummed in pleasure, your lips eagerly complying his request. When you both separated again, a happy sigh left your lips as your head once more settled against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. You chuckled when you found that it was slightly faster than before. 

“Why do I get the feeling your laughing at my expense?” he questioned, amusement still clearly hearable. 

“Because I am,” you simply told him, your eyes once more focused on the television screen, though you weren’t really paying any attention to what you were seeing. 

“And what, pray tell, is so funny then?” he urged on, his curiosity once more piqued. You smiled, knowing that his curiosity was the reason you liked him so much. 

“Your heartbeat.”

“My heartbeat?” he repeated stupidly, clearly baffled by your thoughts. 

“It’s faster,” you continued, humoring him as you lifted your head and looked at him again. You placed your hand on the spot your head had now vacated. You blushed when you registered the heated look with which he was regarding you. 

“Only logical,” he responded, his eyes never breaking their contact with your own. “If you finally have the woman you love by your side kissing the life out of you.”

“So now you’re accusing me of sucking the life out of you?” you managed to throw back at him, your cheeks feeling undeniably warm. He chuckled, a deep throaty sound that made you shiver with something close to anticipation. 

“I never said you suck the life out of me.”

“But I could,” you whispered seductively, your body moving upwards again, your head leaning towards his neck. You let your mouth brush against the skin at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. He shivered in response, a reaction you treasured to have drawn from him. Then, you let your teeth brush his skin, eliciting a gasp from him that you treasured all the more. 

“[Name],” he called out in a husky voice, a warning for you not to push him any further unless you were sure you wanted this to continue further. You ignored him, repeating the action again. The second gasp you elicited from him was accompanied with the feeling of his hands tightly gripping your hips. 

“[Name ]!” he warned you again, his voice clearly conveying how close he was to losing his control. You felt powerful in that moment. You could reduce him to this with nothing more than a few mere teasing words and actions. And yet, even when it was so simple for him to just take what you had literally dangled in front of him, he was still trying to think and act on what he thought was best for you. But, you figured, enough was enough. 

“I trust you,” you whispered, your lips brushing his ear as you did so. You took a small breath, briefly holding it in anticipation and building nerves. You knew you were doing the right thing in telling him this. 

“I love you,” you finally whispered, brushing your lips against his cheek as you did so. The grip he had on your hips became almost bruising as he stiffened in what you thought was disbelief. And you knew, right then and there, that you had done the right thing. You had been silent for far too long already. 

After ten months of spending in his presence, of trying to move past the pain that had been left inside of you, you realized now, that it had all been replaced with your love for him. He seized your lips in a kiss that was both affectionate and passionate. You gasped in surprise and glee when the passion soon began to take over, eagerly following the road he was leading you down. 

Later, much later, when you lay by his side, your head once more resting on his chest, listening to how his heartbeat slowly began to change from erratic to calm, you knew you were where you wanted to be. 

“I love you,” he whispered affectionately. “With all my heart.”

“And I love you,” you answered, nuzzling the skin in front of you. 

Happiness, love, ecstasy, … They were all the things you had felt around Heero. But in those happy emotions, there had also been sadness, anguish, remorse, and rage. But, with Duo, things were different. 

Yes … Happiness, love, affection, desire, bliss, cherished, touched… They were all the things you felt when near him, things you treasured from now until the end of time. And the best thing was, he felt the same towards you. 

~The end ~  
Or do I say, ‘and they lived happily ever after.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys aren't too cross with me for not making Heero and the reader work out. It's almost weird how most of these stories seem to end up with Duo as the pairing. But if you guys really want to, I might be willing to write a 01xreader ending to this. Just let me know then. :) Or if you don't want a 01 ending but merely think this one is perfect, feel free to let me know as well ^_~


	3. Heero-ending

There was a soft, steady beeping in the background that made you frown ever so slightly. Your muscles were heavy, your mind hazy, and your mouth and throat dry. Opening your eyes proved to be tiresome. You had to try a few times before you succeeded. The room was dark, the only light coming from the windows to your right. Your breaths were steady, though it felt as if they hadn’t been that way for a long time. There was a strange pressure on your chest that was keeping you from feeling comfortable. When you looked down, though, there was nothing that could explain such a feeling. 

You felt sad, your sorrow nearly drowning you. Your heart ached with a dullness that surprised you. You also longed for something strong and bitter, a feeling that you had never before experienced. You knew there was something you were forgetting, something you would hate to remember, and yet, unless you knew what it was, it would only continue in making you feel frustrated.

And then there was that dream, a vision of Heero and you in a dump of a hotel room, him trying to convince you of his feelings. That slow recollection of your dream, though, triggered your memories. Flash after flash assaulted you, all of them visions from the past, drowning you in a pool of sadness and despair. You couldn’t help the whimper that escaped you. 

Now that the memories were available again, you felt as if your heart was being ripped out of your chest, your soul seemingly torn to pieces before your eyes. You could so vividly remember that scene you had witnessed; Heero and Relena standing in a deserted hallway. She had confessed her feelings for him, and he had merely moved closer, had reached for her, had placed his hands on her shoulders, and had told her the words that would forever haunt your existence.

How could you have been so blind as to not see it coming? How could you have looked beyond what they so obviously felt for each other. The pain inside of you grew exponentially, overtaking every sense of rationality you still possessed. Despite the pain your body was in, normally a warning to people that they best move carefully, you pushed your body upwards as best as you could, overcome by a desperate need to escape this feeling by whatever means possible.

It came as a surprise when hands shot out of the dark, gently grabbing your shoulders, and pushing you down again. You growled, snarled something unintelligent, and tried to fight the touch. You wanted your alcohol again, wanted the soft drugs even; anything was good enough to banish these memories from your mind. You were too sober, too aware of those haunting recollections, of the pain that was ripping your heart in two. 

“Calm down.”

It wasn’t the order that made you listen. No, it was the voice, HIS voice to be exact. Your wide and shocked gaze searched the darkness for proof of what you had heard. A soft light flickered on to your right, blinding you at first, but then offering you the light you needed to verify your assumption. You hated the moment you realized you were right, hated to realize HE was here with you. 

“What are you doing here?” you questioned as you quickly looked away from him, your voice still soft; your vocal cords seemingly too tired to be useful. It wasn’t just your voice, though, that felt tired. Your entire body felt like lead, your eyes dry and itchy, and your eyelids heavy. You just woke up, and yet, you were still tired. It didn’t make any sense. Then again, nothing seemed to make sense, not even the dreams you clearly remembered having, something that was not helping in organizing what had been real and what had been nothing but hopeful wishing of your unconsciousness. 

“Waiting for you to wake up.” 

The way he said it, the detectable concern in his voice, even the bloodshot eyes and dark bags under his eyes; they all warned you that there was something not quite right with this scene. You looked around, for the first time actually taking in the room you were placed in; a hospital room. Your breaths came faster, but your chest ached with each movement, a silent warning for you to take it easy. 

“Calm breaths, [Name],” Heero told you, his voice a low timber. You shivered in response, all too affected by that voice of his. You hated it. 

“How?” you pressed, remembering everything except how this had happened. You tried to visualize it, even closed your eyes so you could remember it all the better, but the only thing you managed to see was a small pub and a lot of bottles of alcohol. Hadn’t that been part of your dream though? 

“You got into a fight.” 

Those words didn’t really help. You didn’t fight often, always having perfect control over your anger, but if you did happen to fight someone, you usually won. One of the only exceptions was the person standing next to your bed. You frowned, not understanding how you could have lost.

“While being drunk and high,” Heero added, his tone having risen slightly. It would explain why you had lost.

You dared to look at him, only to flinch slightly when his blue eyes carried a harsh light to them. It was obvious he was angry about that fact, but in your opinion, he didn’t have a right to be angry. What you did with your life was your own choice. Whatever participation he might have had, he lost it the moment he uttered those words to … 

Pain, sharp and quick, tore its way through your heart and soul. 

Damn, you really shouldn’t have thought that …

“And I lost,” you stated rather than asked. Your voice was a soft growl, a sign that you were angry because of that small fact. Your anger did help to push away the tiredness, helping you become more aware of everything around you. 

“A bartender found you bleeding in the street.” Heero’s voice was even deeper this time, his anger clearly detectable. “The hospital notified me.” Had they also notified him off the drugs and alcohol in your system? Probably. It didn’t seem logical for him to know that if they hadn’t. 

You had forgotten that his phone number was written on your medical sheets. You should probably change that as soon as you could. You’d rather not disturb his life any more than this little stunt had already done. Who knew what that phone call had interrupted …

And there was yet another painful and sharp squeeze from your heart. You gasped softly, the feeling washing over you before you could control it and push it away again. You wanted to leave this hospital so badly by now, wanted to leave his presence, and more than anything, you wanted to continue drowning not only your misery, but the very memory of him with her. But you couldn’t. There was no alcohol or drugs nearby, nothing to drown yourself with. There was only the option of facing this bitter and painful reality, of hopefully getting him to leave you alone so you wouldn’t have to face him for much longer. 

“Sorry,” you muttered, though the words sounded bitter even to your own ears. He seemed surprised to hear it, eventually feeling all the more concerned about you because of it. It was the first time you acted this way around him, and though only you knew it, it wouldn’t be the last either, not if you couldn’t get past this pain and sadness inside of you. “I’m sorry they bothered you for this small inconvenience.”

Your words were obviously the wrong ones to speak. He growled, a warning that you had angered him. You glared up at him, once more trying to sit up, only to end up being pushed down once again.

“This isn’t some small inconvenience. You had a heavy concussion, two broken ribs, a punctured long, a badly sprained wrist, and a broken leg. Damn it, [Name], you’ve been in a coma for three days!”

That last bit of news took you by surprise. A coma? Three days? It would explain why you felt so drained even when you knew you had been sleeping. The dream was proof enough of that. Yet again, another bout of pain took you over, forcing you to let go of that train of thought. Instead, you focused on the battle you had lost. How could you have lost that badly? 

And then your memories slowly began to resurface. You remembered wanting to buy more joints, but you had chosen the wrong man to buy from. He had been ripping you off, something you instantly recognized, and you had retaliated by throwing your fist into his face. It was the only solid punch you had managed to make, your drunken state making you too slow to evade his punches and kicks. It had hurt, but it still hadn’t compared to the pain inside of you, the pain Heero had caused there, the one he was still causing you to feel.

You looked Heero up and down, finally noticing the wrinkled clothing he wore, the slightly visible beard that was beginning to show. Everything about him screamed that he’d been sleeping in this room, maybe even in that very chair behind him. It confused you as to why he would do such a thing, but then you reminded yourself; even if he didn’t love you, he was still your friend, and friends looked after each other, worried about each other even. So that meant that the concern in his eyes was simply there because he was trying to be a good friend ... 

That thought hurt, probably more than it should have. It stung, the bitter aftertaste it left you with making you angry at him. 

“And now I’m awake,” you told him snidely. He didn’t seem to understand where your anger was coming from, that much was obvious. “You can go home now.”

“I’m not going home!” he growled, his hands fisting by his sides. You were pushing him to his limits, something you rarely did, even tried to avoid as much as you could. You hated to be at the end of that glare, the very one that was now leveled upon you. Yet now, now you just didn’t care about it anymore. Now you just wanted him gone, and hopefully, he would take the pain with him. 

“Why the hell not?!” you questioned, feeling righteously angered. 

“What would you do when I leave?” he questioned. You opened your mouth, your answer ready to be voiced, but he simply continued on, leaving you no pause to speak up. “Go back to the alcohol and the drugs? Damn you, [Name]!” That was the second time he cursed, a very strange thing for him. Maybe it was because he’d been forced to sleep in a hospital chair for the last three days. 

That seemed about right …

“What the hell happened for you to do this?”

“What?” you growled out lowly, not wanting to believe he had dared ask you this. Your anger began to grow to unknown heights, your jaw clenched tightly and your muscles tensed, as if they were waiting for the signal to lash out at him. Your wrist throbbed ever so softly, causing a vague thought of having pain killers numbing what should be a very painful sensation to run through your mind. If only they could numb the pain in your heart as effectively as the one in your wrist. If they could, you wouldn’t be growing so angry right now. 

“[Name],” he began again, his tone surprisingly calmer. You didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want him to stay here anymore. You couldn’t take his presence for much longer, the pain inside of you begging you to get away from the source of it … 

And that source was him.

“I won’t say it again,” you shouted at him, the words barely sounding understandable. You wanted to shout, scream, and cry; all in the same breath. You wanted to close your eyes and never have to open them again, but each time you did, you saw his blue eyes. Each time you thought about him, you saw that scene with her in his arms. Her! Not you! “Leave! Me! Alone!”

You just wanted the pain in your heart to stop, the one that was still throbbing stronger than all your physical injuries combined. He kept his silence, but he didn’t move away. He didn’t listen to what you were ordering him to do, merely kept looking at you as if he could see straight into your soul. If he could, though, he would be able to see the gaping hole he had made there, the one that was tearing you apart. 

“Leave, and I’ll be fine,” you told him again, your voice settling for stern yet even. You didn’t shout this time, didn’t raise your voice in any way. 

“You won’t be.” 

You hated how sure he sounded, hated how he managed to stand beside your bed and look as if he wasn’t affected by your screamed words. Then again, maybe he truly wasn’t. Maybe he didn’t care all that much that you had shouted at him because you were never more than just a friend. Again the pain flared high inside of you, making you close your eyes in an effort to bury that feeling as deep within you as you could, futilely hoping that such a thing could stop it from reaching you and consuming you fully. 

“I didn’t know where you were for fifteen days. And all this time you haven’t been fine. The levels of alcohol you had in your system were lethal. You could’ve killed yourself! Not to mention the drugs –”

“But I didn’t,” you interrupted him, watching him carefully once more, yet sick and tired of hearing him lecture you. He didn’t have any right to do so! “I didn’t kill myself, because here I am; breathing, living.” Again, your words sounded bitter. It was obvious you wished for the very opposite. 

“But not by your lack of trying.”

“It’s MY life!” you shot back snidely. His eyes flashed, the anger in them rising in response to your words. It was finally clear to him that you didn’t care whether you lived or died. It was finally clear, and he wasn’t pleased with that knowledge. He reached for your hand, a touch that was quite unwelcome. “Don’t touch me!” you growled, trying to fight the pain inside of you. It would’ve been so much easier to confront him if your pain was dulled by alcohol or drugs. But it wasn’t, and you felt awful because of it. 

“Tell me what happened,” he questioned, his concern once more detectible in his voice. You closed your eyes, violently shaking your head back and forth. It only caused you to feel dizzy, so you stopped doing it. “Why not? What was so painful that you couldn’t come to me.”

How dare he act like he wasn’t the one responsible for the state you were in?! How dare he stand there and ask you what was wrong?! 

“You fucker!” you screamed. “Just leave before you destroy me completely.”

It was out of your mouth before you could suppress it. It caught him by surprise, his rising confusion visible in his eyes. 

“What did I do?” he pushed, obviously having understood he was the reason for your irrational behavior. You growled, once more trying to get up, only to gasp in pain when you moved too quickly. His hands, yet again, came to rest on your shoulders, pushing you back down, and this time holding you there. You glared at him, threw every foul word you knew in his direction, but all he did was stand there, waiting for you to calm down again and offer him the answer to his question. 

The pain you were feeling now wasn’t just the emotional one. Your physical pain, more precisely the one coming from your ribs and wrist, was growing as well. All you wanted to do was sleep, return to that happy dream, but in order to do that, you had to get him to leave you be, something he didn’t seem inclined to do. At least, not until he had his answers. He always was a stubborn bastard …

“I hate you,” you finally stated in a soft yet haunting voice, your body drained from whatever energy you had managed to drag up. You saw pain flash through his gaze, an emotion you hadn’t expected to see there, but it was also strangely pleasing to see him experience what you had been going through these last two weeks. 

“Tell me,” Heero merely ordered, his tone hiding his emotions perfectly, something you wanted to be able to do as well. If only you could hide this pain, this sadness. If you could, he wouldn’t be inclined to stay here and figure out what had happened. 

“You broke me,” you pointed out, only causing his confusion to rise. You laughed, though there was nothing funny about it. Between laughs you were gasping from the pain of your ribs. It seemed to disturb him, but he didn’t try to calm you. He merely looked unsure on how to proceed, as if suddenly sensing how fragile your mental state truly was.

“How?” 

It was that question which made you stop laughing. You merely looked up at him with a badly hidden resentment, your anger and pain fighting for control as you thought about offering him his answer. 

“How?” you repeated softly, wondering how he could not have seen how you felt for him. It had been obvious to so many people, yet the one person who should’ve noticed it hadn’t. A single tear escaped your eye, trailing a lonely path down your cheek towards the pillow. “You chose her,” you added so softly that it was a surprise he heard. 

“Her?” he questioned, his tone still carrying a confused edge to it. You bit your lower lip, closing your eyes as you waited for his response. His hands tightened around your shoulders, the pressure becoming uncomfortable even. Was he trying to get you to look at him, or was he just venting his rising anger? “You were willingly drinking yourself to death because you think I chose some girl?”

“Not some girl,” you whispered dejectedly, not missing a beat. It hurt to hear him sound like that, as if he truly believed you were nothing but a fool for living like this merely because of something as stupid as him loving someone that wasn’t you. It was pathetic, you knew that. The mere fact that you were drinking yourself into a stupor for some guy was enough to classify you as a fool. There were no words that described this best, no words except maybe one; pitiful. 

You were pitiful. 

“Her.” 

Any random woman might have been better, for you wouldn’t have been able to feel like this now, wouldn’t be feeling this stupid now. You had seen them both together, yet you had never seen their true feelings for each other until that one scene barely two weeks ago. “Relena,” you whispered even softer, the quality of your voice giving away how much pain that name represented to you now. All because of one man …

He was quiet. You wanted to laugh again because you were right, had been right all along. He chose her, had wanted her all along, and you were too dumb to see it. You had willingly denied seeing what was obvious to the world, the very thing you had silently accused him of doing. 

“You chose her,” you repeated in a broken whisper, something you hated yourself for. It wasn’t right for you to sound like that, wasn’t right to reveal to him how badly you were hurting because of him. 

You truly were pitiful …

“If I knew you saw that,” he began, but you had heard enough.

“What? You wouldn’t have kissed her? Wouldn’t have told her you loved her? Me being there wouldn’t have changed a damn thing and you know it!” you growled out, before taking a deep breath. “Go home, Heero,” you told him, even though it pained you to say that. 

If he left, if he turned and disappeared, you knew you would eventually die. No drunkard could live a long life, not to mention that the combination with drugs you were so keen on trying was only adding a risk factor to an already dangerous situation. 

“You still don’t get it, do you?” he shot back, his voice a low timber again. You shivered, staring into his eyes with a badly hidden fear. He truly wanted you to break completely, didn’t he?! He kept refusing to heed your warning, refusing to leave you be like you wanted him to. Did he want to finish you off before he returned to Relena? Did he hate you that much for having been the reason why he had to come here and leave her side? 

“Get what?” you pushed, your tone soft and mellow. You knew you needed to hear him out. He had always been a stubborn bastard. If you let him say what he wanted, maybe he would finally heed your order and leave you be. 

“I can’t leave you like this.”

It were not the words you had been expecting, but that didn’t mean they didn’t hurt. They hurt tremendously! It hurt more than waking up and seeing him in this room. He was right; you had been wrong before. He didn’t want to break you completely. He just couldn’t leave you like this because you were truly that pathetic. He pitied you! 

“Why not?!” you shouted, your voice finally carrying a tinge of desperation within it. You hated it, hated the fact that he could hear it. You fought his hold, tried to push yourself up again, but you only succeeded in pissing Heero off further. The anger in his eyes once more came forth. That much you had expected from him, but you sure as hell hadn’t been expecting what came next ... 

“Because you’re wrong!” 

Your eyes widened impossibly so, but it wasn’t because of his shouted words. No, it was the feeling of his warm, soft lips against your own. It was because he was kissing you with a fierceness that took your breath away. You tried to understand what was happening, but you couldn’t get past the confusion. 

You couldn’t help but stare at him incredulously, his lips still pressed against your own, seemingly wanting to convey a message you couldn’t understand. It was infuriating to realize what he was doing, and yet, it was also a very puzzling experience. Your mind was in chaos, your heart once again beating an unhealthy rhythm. Then, your eyes slowly closed as you began to kiss him back. 

This was something you had wanted to happen for so long now, something you had literally dreamed off, and yet, it was also something you knew could never be real. Had he not kissed Relena? Had he not shown his love for her? If so, then why was he kissing you now? Was this yet another dream of yours? You didn’t think you could handle it if it were …

You wanted answers, wanted to know what was going on, so you raised your hands and tried to push him away. It didn’t really work, for you didn’t have the needed strength, and he didn’t seem intent on letting you push him away. His own hands wrapped around your wrists, immobilizing them and stopping your weak attempt at escape. 

His teeth snagged your lower lip when he pulled back, though he didn’t pull back far. His face was now inches from yours, his eyes boring into your own, wordlessly begging you to hear him out, to stop fighting him as hard as you had been. His hands released you, one of them now supporting him as he leaned over you while the other wiped away the barely forgotten tear mark, its warmth not an unwelcome feeling. Your own hands merely stayed where they were, seemingly trying to keep him from leaning too close, though you knew there was no real strength behind the action. 

“I won’t leave,” he told you firmly, finally managing to make you listen to him, “because you’re wrong. Yes, I chose someone, but not her.”

You could only stare at him in wonder, your heart aching so badly by now that you wondered if it was still healthy. How could you even respond to that? Your mind was in chaos, unsure how to proceed or what to believe. Your heart, however, was clenching painfully inside your chest, fighting a battle between hope and despair. It was a tie so far. 

“Heero,” you managed to say, your voice weak and weary. It was all you managed to push out. You desperately wanted to look elsewhere, to escape those haunting blue eyes, but you couldn’t seem to find it in you to do so, and you only ended up drowning further in those suspiciously vibrant eyes. 

You couldn’t help it, the tears came forth without any warning, blurring your sight. Your chest ached painfully as you tried to squelch your sobs, tried to fight the tidal wave of sorrow and shame. He seemed to realize how much pain you were putting yourself in, for he moved so he was carefully cradling you against him, offering you what he must’ve hoped was comfort. It was an awkward position, but he didn’t seem inclined to want to move, not until you were calm again, and that was far from happening yet. 

You cried against him, cried for your broken dreams, cried for your foolish behavior. You even cried out of happiness for what he had implied and for the kiss he had given you. And then he said it, finally voicing something that put to rest the last of your lingering doubts, yet at the same time, it managed to make your tears come all the faster. 

“I love you.”

The words, whispered between many comforting murmurs meant to calm you down, managed to penetrate your mind stronger than any other words he had offered you. It resounded within your mind, echoed inside of your heart, and began to heal a badly broken soul. You clung to him as best as you could, not wanting this to be a dream as well. You didn’t think you could handle waking up from something like this twice. 

“Don’t leave,” you begged him, your voice hoarse from crying, yet not faltering whilst conveying your message. It was another example of how pitiful you truly were, for you were now begging him to do the exact opposite of the very thing you had demanded from him only minutes before. 

“I won’t.”

It was a simple reassurance, a few softly spoken words that felt so much like a promise. You hoped you were right about it, hoped he was promising you what you longed to hear. If he wasn’t, you might still break …

You cried for what felt like hours, your chest burning and your wrist throbbing with each heartbeat. It was obvious to you that you were pushing your barely healed injuries to the limit. You finally listened to the pain, finally released the death grip you had on Heero’s shirt, and tried to stop the tears and sobs from continuing. It didn’t help ease the pain much, but at least you knew you weren’t making it any worse than it already was. 

“You need to rest,” Heero whispered when he felt you relax somewhat. 

“No!” you shouted fearfully. You didn’t fancy the thought of sleeping. If you closed your eyes now, if you allowed your mind to drift off, you could wake in a world where none of this was real, one where he wasn’t by your side.

“I won’t leave,” he told you, making you wonder if he realized what your fear was about. 

“I don’t want to wake again,” you told him, causing him to frown slightly. You were talking nonsense, you knew it, but this was how you saw it. It seemed he didn’t understand what you meant, interpreting your words incorrectly. 

“[Name],” he began, his tone holding a warning you had heard a few times already tonight. 

“I don’t want to find out this is yet another dream,” you quickly continued, hoping to keep him from scolding you about something that was misinterpreted. Your explanation didn’t help his confusion, but the warning glint in his eyes did disappear. 

“You won’t.”

“You’re wrong,” you whispered, shaking your head, but again coming to regret that action. You groaned, waited for the room to stop spinning, and tried to explain it further to him. “I woke up from this already. I woke up and everything ended up being as agonizing as before. I don’t want to feel that way again, Heero. I don’t want to experience heaven only to wake up in hell. So, please, don’t tell me it’s alright to sleep, not when I can’t be certain if I’m going to wake here.”

He offered you a smile, one you had always thought was reserved for you. At least, you had until you had caught them together, him saying those loving words to her. The pain was still there, the insecurity inside of you rising again, but one look at Heero, and the pain dulled somewhat. That look in his eyes was now only focused on you, that smile on his lips only for you to see. His body was close to your own, still holding you in a loose hug. It was you that had his attention now, not her!

“When you wake up, I’ll be here. I know this,” he continued quickly when he saw you opening your mouth. You closed it again, watching him unsurely, “because whether this is a dream or reality, I know myself, and I know I’ll never choose anyone above you.”

It was the sweetest thing he could tell you, and this time when your heart reacted to those words, it wasn’t with pain. Far from it actually. You felt it swell with hope and happiness, something you hadn’t felt for the last fifteen days. You reached up to him, your fingertips briefly lingering against his cheek. 

“Promise?” you questioned, still unable to let go of this doubt. 

“I promise.”

You nodded your head, careful not to cause yet another dizzy spell. You lied back down, your eyes begging you to close them once your head hit the pillow, but even with Heero’s promise, you still fought against the drowsiness, still wouldn’t allow your body the rest it demanded. He was aware of it as well, though he didn’t say anything for a good twenty minutes. 

“Sleep,” he finally whispered while you kept struggling to stay awake, and failing miserably at it. “I can’t keep my promise if you don’t go to sleep.”

His words made little sense to your tired mind, but you finally listened and gave in to the pull of sleep, your world darkening around you, your body relaxing against the sheets, and your breaths evening out. The last conscious thing you were aware of, were his lips pressing a soft kiss against your forehead. 

You didn’t dream, or if you had, you just couldn’t remember it. This time, though, there was just a welcoming darkness wrapped around you, a comforting sensation that was always there to ease your troubled mind further. When you woke again, it was with a tense body and a fretful mind. As soon as you could, you forced your eyes open, searched the room, and finally found Heero’s body in one of the nearby chairs. 

You stared at him while he slept, his body in a seemingly uncomfortable position. You wondered if his joints and muscles would be screaming at him for staying in such an uncomfortable position for so long. But even if you wondered this, you couldn’t deny the fear that was growing inside of you. Your injuries were the same as the last possible dreamlike night you had experienced, but that didn’t mean any of last night had truly happened. When Heero finally stirred, a quiet groan escaping him as he shifted, you held your breath in anticipation. 

“Morning,” he greeted you as he stretched stiff muscles. When you didn’t respond, he stilled, caught your gaze, and offered you a smile that made your heart skip a beat. He stood up, let his fingertips gently caress your cheek, before leaning down and kissing you. 

You sighed into the kiss, this time eagerly responding while you closed your eyes in bliss. It hadn’t been a dream, hadn’t been anything you feared it could be. Last night had happened, and nothing could ruin your day now. 

It was too late that you remembered that you shouldn’t taunt fate like that …

“I must confess,” a voice nearby spoke up, one you recognized all too well, “this isn’t what I was expecting to walk in on.”

Heero pulled back, shot Duo an exasperate look, and settled down in the chair again. You shot Duo a timid smile. 

“Hi.”

“I’d say you were, yes.” (1)

You blinked, blushed, and quickly looked elsewhere in shame. It seemed you weren’t through with getting scolded for your rash and idiotic behavior. 

“Duo,” Heero growled, a sound that made you stiffen. You used your bangs to shield your eyes when you looked at him, only to blink in surprise when you saw the foul glare he showed Duo. 

“What? I’m her friend, too. And I’m sure as hell curious about what it was that pushed her to act so irrationally.”

“Duo, I,” you began, but whatever you wanted to say, it never passed your lips. You simply sighed, looked at your suddenly very interesting sheets, and kept your silence. 

“Look,” Duo began, walking towards the other side of your bed, probably purposely staying clear of Heero. “I don’t care about your reasoning, not unless you want to talk about it.” You shook your head, letting him know you truly didn’t want to do that. “Then I won’t ask again, but just tell me it’s solved. Tell me we’re not going to end up hearing you died on the streets after getting in a fight or whatever while being drunk off your ass.”

“You won’t,” you quickly stated, finally meeting his gaze, conveying the truth of your words the only way you could. “I was being stupid,” you muttered when he seemed to be happy with your answer. You shot a quick look at Heero, only to find him frowning, his eyes focused on you with an intensity that made you blush slightly. 

“Yeah, you were.” 

“Duo,” Heero warned again, but once more, Duo ignored it completely. You weakly smiled at that. Some things, it seemed, would never change. 

“I’m sure I don’t have to point out to you how worried this guy was.” 

You blinked, your gaze once more focusing on Duo. He seemed to be staring straight at you, his eyes conveying what his mouth wasn’t. They told you he knew a great deal more about your reasoning for disappearing and ending up a temporary drunk than what he was currently saying. You swallowed down the words you wanted to say, words meant to defend your actions, even when there was nothing you could say that would justify your behavior. 

“I swear, the things he nearly did –”

“Duo!” 

You both looked towards Heero, you blinking in confusion while Duo stared at him with justified anger. 

“What? She deserves to know,” he simply stated. 

“Not now.” It was all Heero said, his tone letting his friend know he was serious about this. Duo frowned, but he seemed to listen. 

“Fine, but don’t think I won’t tell her someday.” You were really curious by now. What had he nearly done then? What was it that made him act so annoyed with Duo? “Whatever,” Duo continued, seemingly shrugging this weird situation off as if it hadn’t even happened. “I just came to check up on [Name], and to warn you.”

“Warn him?” you questioned, knowing his last few words were meant for Heero. Duo’s eyes flickered back towards you for a brief moment before once more coming to rest on his friend. 

“Relena’s here, and she wants to talk to you.”

That revelation managed to make you freeze, your heart once more clenching with pain. Your eyes shot towards Heero, your unvoiced fear clearly there for him to see, even though you tried to hide it. Was this where you realized the hoax? Were you going to wake up in a few more seconds and find all of this to be a dream none the less? You didn’t want that, didn’t want to face an ugly reality and leave this dream behind! 

Heero shot Duo another foul look, this one telling his friend to get out while he still could. The man, for the first time since he had entered the room, listened without saying anything about it. You were barely aware of it, only the sound of the closing door alerting you to his disappearance. Your lungs began burning, a sign that you desperately needed to start breathing again, something you had unconsciously stopped doing. 

“[Name],” Heero began, but it was all you heard. The rest of what he was saying couldn’t seem to be heard over the sound of your beating heart. You just stared at him, through him almost, never really seeing what was happening in front of you. You were starting to get lost inside of your mind, the silent screams there overcoming all sense of reality.

“[Name]!” 

You blinked, stared at Heero who appeared to be sitting on your bed, his posture stiff and his worried gaze focused on you. 

“Yes?” 

You hated how soft your voice was. Hated it because it reminded you of how you had sounded last night, when you had finally showed him how broken you truly were about what you had witnessed. His hand brushed away your bangs, his fingertips barely touching your skin as they moved towards your right eye. You only realized you were crying when those fingertips of his brushed away the tears that had fallen. 

“This is not a dream,” he told you, his voice conveying his utter belief of those words. How had he known that was what you had been thinking? You tried to respond, tried to form the words you wanted to voice, but they never came out; only a stupid croaking sound was uttered. Heero frowned, his worry growing once again. 

“I am here,” he told you next, looming over you. He was so close to you, so impossibly close. “I am real,” he stated next, his breath washing across your lips. You mutely nodded, a barely there movement of your head. You truly wanted to believe him, and maybe you did, but there was still that lingering doubt that it could end up being another dream …

“Kiss me?” 

It wasn’t meant to come out as a question, but it seemed that was all you were able to do. You were still too insecure, too afraid to sound indifferent. He offered you that smile again, the one you had always thought was meant for you. It eased some of the fear inside of you. 

He was gentle this time, making sure not to bruise your lips as he had done last night. It was a simple caress, a soft motion of lips on lips, and yet, it felt like so much more. You reached out to him, let your hand grasp his neck while the other one clung to his shirt. You didn’t want him to pull back or disappear. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered when he pulled back a few inches, his lips brushing yours with each word he uttered. You wanted to believe him, but your heart still ached with uncertainties. 

“Relena,” you began softly, but you didn’t get far with whatever you wanted to say. 

“Is not my priority.”

It was a statement that made your heart swell, your hope once more overcoming your fears. She wasn’t his priority, wasn’t anywhere near important enough to make him leave your side now. You closed your eyes, never letting go of him no matter the seconds that passed. It was only when a gentle knock on your door met your ears that you release him, even though you loathed to do so. 

You hadn’t called out, hadn’t given the visitors permission to enter, yet they still entered the room. Relena … and Quatre … which was a slightly strange sight.

“[Name],” Quatre greeted, a joyful smile lifting his lips upwards. “It’s good to see you awake.”

You tried to sit up, tried to push your body up so you would have a better view of those that had entered. Heero helped you before you could hurt yourself, supporting your body while he raised the head of the bed and stuffed enough pillows behind your back to make you feel comfortable. You shot him a thankful smile, one that turned into a confused frown when he didn’t let go of you yet. He moved you slightly further to the side, sat himself beside you, and coaxed you into lying against him, your head against his shoulder and your back against his chest. 

Even though you hated the fact that you couldn’t look into his eyes anymore, you were still pleased with this new position. Not only was he staking a claim on you, he wasn’t leaving your side, just like he had promised. It felt good to have him so close to you. 

When your attention finally left Heero and focused on your two visitors, you couldn’t help but blush deeply. Quatre had a knowing smile lifting his lips, though he didn’t say a word about it. The look in his eyes was gentle, as if he was happy about what he saw. Relena, however, was something else entirely. 

It wasn’t that she was glaring at you, but you couldn’t say she was happy with what she saw either. She merely looked controlled, as if her true emotions were held back under tight rein. Your unwounded hand reached for Heero’s own, as if you wanted to reinstate the fact that he was truly this close to you. You kept repeating to yourself what he had shown you last night; he had chosen you, not her! 

“We were all very worried when we heard,” Quatre began, probably sensing the tense atmosphere and wanting to do something about it. You offered him a soft, apologetic smile, thankful for his effort. 

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” you replied, an apology that was becoming all too common. There was a quick flash in Relena’s eyes, alerting you that she wanted to say something, yet wisely refrained from doing so. You were sure that her swallowed words wouldn’t have been nice. 

“I hope you don’t do so again,” Quatre gently scolded you. You shook your head, careful not to evoke another dizzy spell. 

“I won’t.”

A slightly sullen look from Relena made your attention focus on her again. Heero stiffened, and as he was sitting so close to you, you felt it perfectly. You were sure it was in reaction to Relena’s non-verbal responses. You sighed deeply before shifting your attention towards her. 

“If you have something to say, Relena, I suggest you do it now.”

You weren’t sure where this brief bravado came from, but you didn’t question it. You merely held on to it and prayed you wouldn’t come to regret telling her that. Relena’s eyes shifted towards Heero. You recognized the heartbroken look, the pain her eyes were radiating. You were sure you had been looking like that only a few hours earlier. It took your breath away, and not in a good way. It reminded you all the more of the many days you had suffered, the days when you had drowned your misery. 

“You were foolish,” she merely told you, though her eyes didn’t stray from Heero’s form. “What you did was rash and stupid. I know he doesn’t love me like I want him to, but I love him. And what you did was nothing shy of selfish. What you made him experience,” she shook her head, a gesture to convey her sadness, her gaze finally coming to rest on you. “I would never dream of putting him through that.”

“Relena,” Heero growled, the same warning he had given Duo in his tone. You wondered about it, but thankfully Relena wasn’t intimidated by it. She merely kept on talking, regardless of anyone else’s reaction but yours, though her gaze did land on Heero again.

“It’s true. I’ve never known you to act rash or without thought, yet when you learned what had happened to [Name], you left my side without a second thought.” 

You stiffened. Her words implied he was with her when he got that call, just like you had assumed he had been. What had he been doing there? Had he lied to you after all? You stopped breathing again, holding your breath in anticipation for what she might reveal. 

“Miss Relena,” Quatre began, probably sensing your unease, but even he was ignored. 

“For days he had a temper, no doubt because he was anxious about your absence. You left him without an explanation, without a clue if you were fine, and that’s worse than what I ever did. At least I never had any control about being kidnapped. You, however, disappeared on your own free will. And when he got that call,” she took a breath, appearing to have trouble controlling the anger she felt towards you. “He’s been watching over your comatose body for three days!” she continued, her voice rising slightly. 

Heero shifted behind you, probably ready to get up and force her to leave the room unless she was willing to stop her tirade. Your hand gripped his harder, telling him without words that he should stay put, that you needed to hear this, whether he agreed with that or not. 

“You have no idea what that did to him,” she threw at you, her eyes flashing with unvoiced pain. Your heart ached again, but this time it wasn’t because of what Heero had put you through. No, this time it was because of what YOU had put HIM through. If what she said was true …

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, the words all too familiar by now. Your words, and maybe the look in your eyes as well, seemed to calm her down somewhat. 

“I just hope you realize how much he loves you.”

You met her gaze head on, never once flinching, and simply told her the truth. 

“I do now.”

She nodded her head, the pain in her eyes slightly lessening. 

“Good,” she softly stated. Her eyes briefly shifted towards your hand, the one that tightly held on to Heero’s. “I should go now,” she muttered with a last longing look towards Heero. 

“I’ll escort you,” Quatre spoke up, before biding you goodbye. You couldn’t help but stare at the door when they left, couldn’t help but wonder how much she really knew about what had happened to you to end up in a hospital, or to Heero during your three day coma. 

“I’m sorry,” you suddenly whispered, the words meant to erase some of the guilt you now felt. Heero grunted, his hand lifting your own, bringing it to his mouth, and placing a gentle kiss on top of your knuckles. You leaned more against him, your head turning slightly so your forehead was resting against his neck. “Was that what Duo was going to tell me?” you questioned next, needing to know. 

“No.” 

Though you were glad he had told you the truth, you were also worried about what else you had put him through. 

“Will you tell me?”

“No.”

“Heero,” you began, but he wasn’t willing to give up this information.

“You don’t need to know.”

“Why? Because you think it’ll make me feel guilty?”

“I know it will.”

Damn. Was it truly that bad? You frowned, tried to sit straight again so you could look at him better, but he didn’t allow it. He kept you against him, and without offering you further explanation, he placed his lips against your temple, an affectionate gesture that was meant to appease you. 

“You don’t need to know. Not now.”

“I will find out,” you told him, relaxing again. He sighed.

“I know.”

And he did. He knew you could be as stubborn a bastard as he was, especially if it concerned him. You let him keep that secret of his for the rest of your hospital stay, but you never gave up on wanting to know. In the end, it was Duo who finally caved and told you. 

You had been shocked at what you had heard, had honestly thought it impossible to be true, for your dream had contained that particular information as well. Your best guess was that your subconscious had heard Heero as he watched over you, and that it had tried to process it through your dream, for Heero had indeed nearly botched a mission because of you. 

He had been guarding Relena when he had gotten the call that you had been hospitalized, and he hadn’t reacted well to the news. He had left without a second thought, had left her with a rookie to protect her against an unknown threat for at least three hours before back-up could be send. It had earned him two weeks of suspension, though you didn’t think Une did it to punish him. 

The woman knew far too well how these pilots thought, and she simply made sure Heero wasn’t to be called upon for those fourteen days. Fourteen days, that is, which he spend making sure you didn’t do anything stupid again. He made sure you rested, that you took your meds, and when you were finally discharged, he simply relocated you to his own apartment where he kept you from overtaxing your still tender wounds. You were sure Heero was aware of the fact that you now knew, but he never brought it up. 

And now, after those precious free days which he spend by your side, Heero had once more left for work. He had been guarding Relena, his first full day at her side ever since you had woken in that hospital. You were beyond worried about how it had gone. He hadn’t looked upset when he had gotten home a few minutes ago,. He had merely muttered a greeting and disappeared into the bathroom for a quick shower. 

“How did it go?” you questioned when Heero emerged from the bathroom, his slacks riding low on his hips, and his chest still glistening with badly removed water drops. It was a sight that made your blood heat, not an uncommon thing for the last ten days you had spent in his apartment. 

“Fine.”

You snorted, rolling your eyes at his oh so elaborate answer. He sat down on the bed, the mattress dipping slightly under his added weight. You wouldn’t admit it, but your worried mind had made you feel stressed the entire day, your muscles now aching from the tension they carried. 

“Just fine?” you pushed, hating yourself for being unable to let it go. Heero sighed, and you instantly felt bad about yourself. “Sorry,” you quickly told him, turning around and trying to burry your head in the pillow you now had a tight grip on. The mattress shifted as Heero crawled under the blankets, his warm body all too quickly spooning yours while his arm wrapped around you, holding you in place against him, though mindful of your still tender ribs and slowly healing leg. 

“For what?” he questioned, his lips inches from your ear. His voice was so very close, his breath washing over your skin, causing you to shiver in response. “For asking, or for worrying?” 

You didn’t answer him, merely bit your lower lip to keep any words from escaping you. Another sigh came from him, the sound much closer than from where the previous words had been uttered. His lips placed a brief kiss against your neck, just below your ear, before gently pulling back, the sensation causing yet another shiver to wrack your form. 

“Only you matter to me,” he continued, another kiss placed against your shoulder, his body brushing against you as he moved, now looming over you slightly. You watched him from the corner of your now wide eyes. 

“That’s not why I asked,” you softly told him, needing to correct him on that. You weren’t unsure about his feelings for you. Not anymore. After everything that had happened, and everything you had learned, it was impossible to deny the gravity of his feelings towards you. 

“I know,” he merely shot back, a soft smile lifting his lips. You turned your body, your back against the mattress, your own hand reaching upwards so you could brush your fingers against his cheek. 

“Do you?” you had to press, had to know he truly understood. 

“More than you realize,” he told you, his head dipping down, his lips covering yours in a hungry kiss. You moaned against his lips, your hand moving higher before disappearing into his hair. Your other hand moved toward his side, over his ribs, towards his spine, before moving further down until it reached his lower back. 

“I love you,” he told you, his lips brushing against yours with each word he spoke, his eyes staring into your own with an intensity that stole your breath. 

“I know,” you told him. It felt so good to believe him, to have his love, to have him near you. You weren’t planning on giving that up for anything!

“Do you?” he questioned, his lips ghosting over your skin; your chin, jaw, cheek. You knew he still worried about your doubts, knew he still felt the need to convince you of the truth in his words. It wasn’t needed, though. You believed him; if not his words then his actions. Because even though you had given up on having his love, he hadn’t given up on you. He had come for you and had stayed by your side. In response to that, you had vowed to never leave his side. 

“Yes.”

He was all you wanted, all you needed, and he wasn’t going anywhere …

~The end ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) I mean the fact that ‘hi’ sounds like ‘high’ aka high on drugs. I hope hat was semi-clear ^_^'


End file.
